No, I DON’T know the lyrics. I just want to make the noises.
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“Please be more mindful of how expressive your eyebrows can be during meetings when others are speaking” my boss to me after the great 2 truths and a lie incident of February 15, 2024.
Really, iTunes? You need to update my calculator app? Have there been changes to basic math that I’m unaware of?
Them: What’d you scrape your chin on?
Me: A chiseled jawline with a 5-o’clock shadow.
I can’t stop canceling dates. it feels incredible. this guy thought he was gonna find out how many siblings I have and now that mystery will follow him to his grave
What idiot named them Minions and not Gru-pies
*malia passes me a joint* thanks obama
Hot woman *points at my empty glass* hey, want another?
Me: Why would I want another empty glass?
[later]
Me *stops brushing teeth* hang on
Wait, Australia is 14 hours ahead of America? Thanks for the 9/11 warning!
Waiter: Any questions about the menu?
Me: Exactly how old are these ancient grains? I don’t want to eat anything that’s expired.
future historians will point to this and ask how we didn’t see the third world war coming
“Why is this food more expensive than it was this morning”
“Sir this is a Wendy’s”
RIP the dinosaurs. Can’t believe it’s 65 million years already.
Always in my thoughts
Billy Joel: You may be right, I may be crazy! But it just may be a lunatic you’re looking for…
Billy Joel’s 3 ex-wives: Yeah. Nope.
All my small talk is done with a car horn.
If you get butterflies in your stomach
You should probably stop eating insects
I don’t know how I feel about ghosts. Never seen one, but I don’t deny the possibility they exist. But this video is chilling. A chill went up my spine. Watch at your own risk. Don’t blink. Terrifying. I now believe.
The coolest thing about the last Hobbit movie was knowing it was the last Hobbit movie.
shit, they caught us—run!!!
A shark can sense a drop of blood from 3 miles away, and a mom can sense you’re not getting enough to eat from 10,000.
no bro, *you* live in a society. I live with my parents
To clean them like a pro without leaving any traces, you’ll have to wash your hands like a politician
“Hey, boo”
– a casual ghost
[in prison]
me: so u guys come here often?
Probably the sport I’m best at is screaming.
The Face ID on my phone doesn’t recognise me when I’m smiling. It does, however, recognise me when I have a mouthful of food.
Police: can you describe the woman who stabbed you
Male author: Lithe, spirited, and outgoing. She was a raw sexual force and she knew it. She was a dandelion fluff on a summer day, gone in an instant, leaving you with nothing but the memory of her smell
Police:
My friends wanted to do an escape room, but I was worried it might eat up a lot of time, so, in order to encourage creativity, I ate a lot of beans, cabbage, and cheap beer for the two days beforehand.
We set a new record.
Taco Bell: Do you want hot sauce?
Me: [has entire drawers full of hot sauce packets] Yes please
“Honey, did you leave your tools out in the backyard?”
*sounds of sawing*
Oh no
*backyard is filled with dads building a deck*
Get the hose
IT guy: what seems to be the problem
me: hi uhh my computer won’t turn off and back on again
IT guy: [covers phone] what do I do