[in Batmobile]
Superman: Hey
Batman: Sup?
S: Promise you won’t be mad?
B: [sighs] I asked if you had to go before we left the Batcave!!
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Wife *returns home* anyone called?
Me: yeah, 5 called the baby an idiot.
[candy store]
ME: I’d like to return this Tic Tac.
CLERK: It looks partially eaten.
ME: It’s still in…
CLERK: Don’t
ME: …mint condition.
My husband is going out of town for a week and I have some hot plans to get intimate with my *lover
*air fryer
*wears camouflage to a family reunion*
You can pour up to 12 bowls of salad in your sweats before they kick you out of the Olive Garden.
I have started going to a psychiatrist about my belief that I’m an owl and I haven’t looked back since.
the Craigslist guy who sold me a bookshelf today showed me all the staples in his stomach from the surgery he just had. But that’s on me for forgetting to ask him to specifically not do that.
I successfully hid chocolate chip cookies from my children, making today’s parenting score:
Kids: 43,290
Mom: 1
Dear guy backing into that tiny parking space.
You’re not Jason Bourne. You don’t need a rapid egress contingency plan for Costco.
Her: When I said a night guard I meant one of those things that protects your teeth overnight.
Me: *removes samurai helmet* Oh.
My neighbor’s facebook movie is just a montage of me caught on surveillance video, stealing his newspaper every morning.
The words “casual” and “casualty” have nothing to do with each other, and that’s why I don’t trust the English language
Her: How pathetic can you be?
Me: Gosh, I don’t know. I haven’t really pushed myself yet.
If my boss knew I rated him “needs improvement” in last night’s sex dream, he probably wouldn’t have been so nice to me today.
Do you believe in life after love?
-Me as a Cher-apist
The mailman asked me to stop my dog from barking and not sure why he thinks I’d side with him, the guy that brings me bills and catalogues I hate, over my dog, the guy that is the most handsome boy in the entire world.
My first husband always hated it when I called him my first husband.
Not me, making rice krispy treats at midnight because my teen forgot to tell me she needed them tomorrow.
Santa Clause slides down the chimney of his cabin. He turns to Mrs. Clause
“The hell is that?”
I had a door installed
“The hell is a door?”
As a baby I took my son Caden to the park. Other kids there were Aiden Jayden Brayden & Ben. The parents that named Ben should get an award.
My browser asks “are you sure?” when I clear my history as if theres anyone more sure of what theyre doing than someone clearing his history
i hope you pull the covers up too fast and punch yourself in the face tonight.
Him: *whispering* you still awake
Me: *exhales loudly through harmonica*
My personal history can best be understood as a series of catastrophes.
who will die first, you or grey’s anatomy?
My brain: Hahahaha… Sorry, I don’t remember your pin.
My brain, 5 minutes later: Hey, I know you already paid cash but I remember that pin now.
girls don’t want boys, they want good hair days
My 8yo daughter met a girl at summer camp last year named “Internet.” I said no way, that can’t be her name but my daughter has been adamant. For almost a year we’ve been having this discussion.
ANTOINETTE. I just found out her name is Antoinette.
A guy on Tinder just asked me what my Social Security Number was. I was so thrown – I’m really not used to men taking an interest in my life.