Walk into karate dojo. Bow. Assume made up karate stance. Taser the first guy who runs at you. Bow. Exit karate dojo
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Me [double-clicking a word to select it]
Microsoft Word: are you trying to select this entire sentence?
Me: no, just the one word
Microsoft Word: ok are you trying to select the entire paragraph?
Me: no, just that word…
Microsoft Word: ok I’ll just delete this entire page
If I was Taylor Swift I would only date men whose job has a lot of terms that are easy to rhyme with.
How are you gonna be in the throes of heartbreak and have to write a song rhyming with “line of scrimmage”?
2016: Everyone you love in entertainment will die!
2017: Everyone you love in entertainment is a sexual degenerate.
2018: The dog from Air Bud is the Zodiac Killer.
Life begins and ends with diaper rash, so enjoy the time in between.
Eggnog is perfect for when you feel like drinking a glass of pancake batter.
Stop saying I’m crazy. You’re starting to sound like the waffle iron.
If you want your dog to take a pill:
1. Get a piece of cheese
2. Eat the cheese for energy
3. Get ready to wrestle your dog
“so, have you ever done a job interview over the phone before?”
[over vigorous peeing] no, this will be a first
At the grocery store some old lady seemed like she was hitting on me. Turns out we went to school together.
“I’m practicing self care” I scream at the buffet waitress as she tries to wrench a whole steam tray full of lobster from my hands
A bunch of things I labeled yesterday as tomorrow problems had the nerve to show up today and I’m just like excuse me who said you could be here.
Before I drop my kids off at school, I ask if they’re ready to be yeeted out of the car, and they all start chanting, “YEET, YEET YEET…” So yeah… pretty sure I’ve peaked.
People always say reading romance novels will ruin dating for you like it’s a bad thing
What is going on here?
Is Rudolph using a magnifying glass to turn his nose into a raygun?
And who is the reindeer brandishing the cane?
Her: Give me a chat up line?
Me: Uh ok, are you a zookeeper?
Her: *laughs* Because I’m so captivating?
Me: No, you smell like an animal.
we got a new bathroom accessory and now the toilet is amazed when I pee
Hate to drop this while everyone is focused on the debate but I will henceforth be pronouncing “mouth” the way it is pronounced in Dartmouth. Thank you for your time.
[comedy club]
Worm: And what’s the deal with dandelion stems? Right? Right?!
Other worms: *silence*
Early bird: *cracking up*
My mother’s birthday is on Monday.
I bought, among other things, a tin of her favourite shortbread cookies.
They were very good.
I should get some for her as well.
My call has been first in line for nine minutes; I won’t be surprised if the next available representative tells me I have to call a different number.
Russel Crowe is my favorite actor named after a misspelled bird but Ethan Hawke is a close second
him: damn girl you’re hot
me (menopausal): I know. it sucks
Good marriage requires communication: My wife tells me I’m wrong, and I tell her she’s right.
* 50 pushups *
* 100 situps *
* Runs 3 miles *My exercise program is really going great since I switched to all asterisk actions.
My life is a lot like taking a road trip with kids, but it’s just me pestering the universe with:
“Am I there yet?”
“I want snacks”
“WHEN WILL WE GET THERE?!?”
“I have to pee again”
Watching two cows do naughty things to each other in a bush. They been reading the Farmer Sutra lol
[talking to family after emergency surgery]
Your positive energy saved my lifeSurgeon: *waves hand* umm hello
The children seemed disappointed when I told them the best part about being an adult is going to bed early.
Husband: On top of spaghetti, all covered with cheese.
Me: *heavy breathing* Keep going.
stay together for the future spouses of your kids, having two sets of in-laws is sadistic stuff