H: “Whatcha doing?”
Me: “Going on twitter to hang out.”
H: “Twitter is an app, not a place.”
Me: *whispers venomously* “Is too a place!!”
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It’s probably really hard for them to carry their backpacks.
[speed dating]
Me: Have you ever choked someone?
“No I would never do something like that”
Me: Next
Seven Worst Crimes:
7. Theft
6. Over cooking a steak
5. Kidnapping
4. Assault
3. Buying cheap tequila
2. Murder
1. Inspirational tweeting
The limerick writers on Twitter
Can be justifiably bitter
The limited length
Is weakness, not strength
And throws our last lines down the sh
I’m sorry that I’m canceling plans.
I made them last week when I assumed that, by now, I’d be a different person.
Life hack: Confuse your doctor by putting on gloves the same time he does
If mental stability was measured by the type of tweets we laughed at, straight jackets would be the new black.
Me: I bumped into your Grandpa earlier
Wife: My grandpa has been buried in the graveyard for 10 years
Me: My driving test went really badly
ME: Table…table doesn’t look great
JESUS: Through me you will have eternal life
ME: ok cool but you SPECIFICALLY said you were a carpenter
I don’t know why this driver threw his hands up and asked what I was doing. I thought it was pretty clear I was cutting him off.
The real reason evolution started..😂
Hey boy, are you a software update because not now
If you find my upper lip mole sexy, wait till you see the dark spot on my MRI.
My favorite part of having a German shepherd has to be when folks meet her, and she sniffs their pockets, I can say stuff like: ‘I hope you don’t have any drugs on you…’ and watch the fear in their eyes while they try to remember the last time they had drugs in their pockets.
lmfao
Music with headphones while vacuuming is not a good idea.
I just finished the whole house and the vaccum wasn’t even plugged in.
When I die, I’m donating my body to the theater department. The science department has enough bodies. I want to be a theater prop.
does anyone want to marry me before this website dies, feels like my best shot x
Never fight a dinosaur, you’ll get Jurasskicked.
Legacy implies the existence of armacy.
I tell my toddler she needs to put her own toys away so she’s started giving me all the toys she has out as ‘presents’ just before it’s time to tidy up and I can’t even be mad coz that’s genius
My 3 yr old is so encouraging. I changed my shirt; she says”Daddy, you did it!” If she finds out I use the potty by myself, she’ll flip out.
*Looking through binoculars
Awww, it looks like she forgot her password. I should remind her what it is.
Robber: I’ll kill you if your wife doesn’t answer my questions
Me: Oh God ok
Robber: Where’s the safe?
Wife: Over there
Robber: What’s the code?
Wife: 5743
Robber: What do you want for dinner?
Me: oh no
My husband said he bought the toupée for me, but then got upset when I put it on. I dont get men.
Cop: Tell me again why you pulled out scissors and gave her bangs.
Me: She was flirting with a hot dad that I had my eye on.
Cop: How much have you had to drink?
Me: 24 glasses of milk
Cop: Milk? Why were you driving so erratically?
Me: I was hoping I’d get pulled over so I could brag
The only difference between a yard sale and a trash pickup is how close to the street the crap is placed.
My mom took a picture of me in 1983 using a camera with a flashcube and the light in my eyes just stopped flashing.
I give my stoner friends fruitcake for Christmas just so I can imagine them hating me a little while they can’t help eating it.