Flame has not adjusted back to house life yet. She stole a cinnamon roll from the kitchen and ate it.
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Welcome to London, where everyone calls you madam against your will.
My 16 yr old has a mandatory sophomore Catholic school retreat that lasts 24 hours. No phones allowed. His argument against going, “I just can’t.”
Me, “It’s tradition. Even I did it. All your siblings did it. Nothing can stop it. Absolutely nothing. Period.”Coronavirus: LOL.
I long for the days when waking up with a “stiff one” wasn’t referring to my lower back.
*in hell*
satan: dude you gotta stop following me around
me: I don’t know anyone else here I feel awkward
coworker: you should try my therapist.
me: i’ve seen their work. no thanks.
gwen stefani really let us down by not spelling something useful like necessary or embarrass
who called it an octopus not an armarmarmarmarmarmarmarmadillo
Spider: Why don’t you like us? Most us are harmless and we kill all the bugs in your house? We just want to help
Humans: EW EW EW EW OMG
[1st date]
me: do you want kids?
her: Yes
me: GREAT [pulls 7 babies out from under table] HERE’S MINE HAVE FUN GOTTA GO
The word “beard” comes from an old Latin phrase meaning “sit on my face”
COP: Can you describe the man who shot you?
ME: He seemed mad
I was shit at school. I turned up to the wrong lessons and sat the wrong exams. The rest as they say is geography.
boss: I’m sorry Alan we’re going to have to let you go
bungee cord tester: N
O
O
o
o
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Normal people eating: *CRUNCH* *SLURP* *GULP* 🙂
Me eating: If I make any noise at all whilst eating people might judge me and I MIGHT DIE
At my funeral, I’d like my family, my closest friends, and a high-pitched squeal no one can locate the source of
Taking a break from my mental health to focus on Twitter
Dog pulled my shorts down, and now there are no secrets between me and the guy who delivers dog food
What they say: “Wow, you’re really photogenic.”
What they mean: “Wow, this looks nothing like how ugly you actually are.”
Stop telling me to drink water. I’m a full grown dehydrated adult.
If you’re going to walk a mile in my shoes, take my fitbit with you.
Cooking directions: Stir constantly until it comes to a boil.
Me: Orders takeout.
6: I like your necklace
Me: Thank you
6: When you die me and my sisters get your jewelry, right
Me: Not if I disown you first
Praying mantis walks up to his buddies with no head,
“Guess who got laid last night?”
[First date stroll in the park]
Me: So you work at the planetarium?
Date: Yeah.
Me: Thats so cool *points to the sky* What’s that constellation called?
Date: The sun.
Do people who get meal kits shipped to their home know they can have restaurants deliver food that’s already cooked?
Someone punctured my boss’s tires and I’m definitely gonna tell him about it, but first let me put the nail gun back in the backpack.
She was a very heavy smoker with a cough that curdled your blood.
Phlegm fatale, they called her.
[first yoga class]
me: a mistake there has been
Day 18 of lock down. Filled the dog with helium.