If a shark is ever attacking me I’m gonna be like where are your parents do they know you act like this
You Might Also Like
I’m not one to kink shame but I just found out my boyfriend has a new fetish for sleeping with other women.
Give me a break, ouija board. I don’t need to know who was killed in this house. Just tell me how the murderer got away with it.
vegetarian: i’m a vegetarian
every mother-in-law: so do you eat fish
I still to this day think about that tweet where a girl said she walked into her room holding her phone in one hand and a cup of tea in the other and threw the wrong one onto her bed
I solve the trolley problem by choosing whichever option is more inconvenient for the passengers
Went to bank robbing school and the teacher told me to take notes.
[Sweden’s famous Ice Hotel]
Vinnie: how are we going to break into the vault?
Donnie: leave it to me *screws silencer onto hairdryer*
Me: I’d like one wet wipe please
Wet wipe packet: the best I can do is 10
If you are going to make me scan my own groceries, give me an intercom too
One time I saw a biker’s funeral procession and realized even dead people are cooler than me.
Good day meowlady
* tips cat
Yes I have exams.
No, I’m not easily distracted.
Yes, my shadow is interesting.
*seductively eats two tums*
In a few hours, after I become a billionaire, I’m changing all the contact names in my phone to peasant.
Seriously? Nothing in the waiting room but Highlights magazine?
[I get called in 10 minutes later]
Hold on, let me finish this article.
Columbus has to be the worst guy to go to the mat for. The guy took notes the whole time & all of them are like “they were friendly so I killed them” & “note: we should do slavery here” and everyone else’s notes are like “I am trapped on a boat with a murderer”
13: Mom I love Spanish class and guess what!
Me: What?
13: I’m already fluent… un, deux, trois.
Me:
13: Oh wait, that’s French.
You ever just look at your spouse and KNOW they’re the one you want to fall asleep really soon so you don’t have to share your pizza rolls with?
When your pet is staring at you, it’s probably thinking “I wonder how long those things live.”
interviewer: can you work overtime?
me: *nodding* and space
That motorcycle salesman didn’t have to laugh when I asked if they came with training wheels.
it kind of looks like someone just took away their laptop
Batman V Superman 2:
Both men agree their last battle was too destructive
They settle their differences by playing Uno
Loser leaves earth
I’ve got bad news. I went out to your apiary and someone had stolen all your apes. There were a lot of bees hanging around. You might see if they know who did it.
Hubs: You treat me like a child
Me: That is completely ridiculous. Now go brush your teeth, it’s almost your bedtime.
Ladies, if he’s never gonna:
-give you up
-let you down
-run around
-desert you
-make you cry
-say goodbye
-tell a lie
-hurt youHe’s not your man, he’s tacos
Spending a lazy afternoon methodically eating the plastic flowers from the vase in the hotel lobby
[Petco]
INTERVIEWER: We’re looking for a real fish person.
ME: Like a mermaid?
INTERVIEWER:
[In line at Starbucks]
[Woman behind me talking] I work in an office with 50% men so-
[Excitedly turn around] OMG YOU WORK WITH CENTAURS
The IUD is the Beyond Burger of contraceptives because we can all agree it’s for the best but also what did I just put inside me?