Gyms closed. So this summer gone be about personality.
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Marriage is for people who want their break ups to involve paperwork.
5-year-old daughter: I don’t like my princess shoes with the heels.
Me: Do they hurt your feet?
5-year-old: I can’t run from zombies.
Oh you love hot sauce? Cool I get heartburn from brushing my teeth
Is a pamphlet just a smaller pamph? What the heck is a pamph? People make no sense.
cinderella had an entire animal army and a magic grandma, and all she did with that was go to party to meet a man. in the history of misses wow that’s the biggest one
“I don’t see race.” -Russian guy in the back row of a NASCAR event
Not my circus. Not my monkeys. But I’m 99% positive I know those clowns.
Melo: “What I gotta do to get signed?”
NBA:
My new rescue dog has figured out how to step on the pedal and open the trash can.
I don’t think my children ever learned that.
Fool me once, I buy a gun. Fool me twice, I pull the trigger.
When people say “May I ask who’s calling?” I like to say “Sure, go ahead.”
Let me sing you the song of my people at 3-4 am.
-my cat.
“i have good news & bad news”
wife: bad news 1st
“the washing machine broke”
wife: and the good news?
“the dogs are clean AF”
Centipede *gets down on 50 knees*
Girlfriend: OMG
7: Where are you and Mom going tonight?
Me: To meet with your teacher.
7: Oh, you don’t need to. I already saw her today.
*suddenly pulls away from kissing* why aren’t there any female Transformers?!?
Thinking outside the box.. 😅
Sometimes i spread newspaper out on the floor and then lay down on it and pretend i’m fish n’ chips
When I hear teenagers talk I wonder why there’s not a high school class dedicated to learning the definition of the word “literally”
“I can try” is a great response to invitations because you’re not even committing to trying.
Cornhub…
For them dirty farmers.
Me: “Do you have any songs you’re really hoping to learn in piano lessons?”
7 yo boy, dead serious: “Well my main goal for being here is really to learn The Muffin Man.”
You got it, brother. 🫡
Him: I bet you’re good in bed.
Me: Oh hell yeah I am. I sleep solid as a rock!
I only look at Wordle for the articles
Me: Liquor then beer, hit a deer
Cop: Please get out of the vehicle
*first time fishing*
Me: Ok now what
Friend: See that hook? You’re aiming to get that in the mouth
Me: orkay nrow wrhat
A guy in the store on his cell said “Susan, I’m in my car on my way” so I yelled “NO HE’S NOT!” Because nobody lies to Susan in front of me.
I was pretty sure you were the wrong kind of crazy. Then you used “luckfully” in a tweet and removed all doubt.
Rude coworker said something very dumb & mean to me.
She blamed it on pregnancy brain.
I asked her if she was having triplets.