“I hate being single,” she lied, lounging in her king-sized bed all to herself
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I wanted to feel like a kid again so I soaked every towel getting out of the shower and trashed the bathroom.
Yesterday, I passed a beautifully remodeled ranch home with an adorable front porch and one of those country chic wooden board signs beside the front door with vertical letters saying:
G
O
A
W
A
YAnd I am here for that energy.
things i’ve picked my teeth with:
– pen lid
– unfolded staple
– aggressive licking
– a blade of grassthings i’ve never picked my teeth with:
– toothpick
Yes indeed, I am a morning person. Morning naps are my favorite
So, we tip the pizza delivery guy, but not ambulance drivers.
how do I gracefully leave this party early but also take the queso dip with me
Wife: I read my mom that funny tweet you wrote.
Me: Don’t you mean THOSE funny TWEETS?
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: No. No, I don’t.
ME: my wife said the four words no man wants to hear
THERAPIST: she wants a divorce?
ME: no, we’re going to Applebee’s
this was pretty cool, thanks @funTweeters. means a lot!
Welcome to your 50’s. It’s 11:40 pm, so this should be your 11th pee of the night.
[Spain, 1578]
“I’m not a witch!”
But all the cats?
“My pets!”
The broom?
“For cleaning!”
The cauldron of boiling children?
“Ok I’m a witch.”
Why did they call it long distance running and not fardio.
When someone asks you to hold their pet hand grenade, be skeptical. It may be a trick.
The White House released this completely unedited photo of today’s turkey.
My God, have you lost your marbles?
Yes, she whispers.
I secure the basement door. Monstrous sounds emanate. The hippos are so very hungry.
I just brushed my hair while wearing a fuzzy sweater and now I can make a streetlight come on by touching it.
GIRLFRIEND: *Crying* My dog died!
ME (who was only dating her because of her dog): So I have more bad news.
[spelling bee]
Your word is “redacted”
can you use it in a sentence?
The ██ ████ is █████ ████ and ██ ████.
I love how we all talk about The Last Supper painting & nobody mentions that all 13 of those guys were sitting on the same side of the booth
Why do grocery stores double-bag everything? Like why don’t you just make bags that are twice as strong?
Friend: you’ve been acting weird ever since you won that hundred dollars
Me: what ever do you mean, old sport?
always humbling that plants that survived whatever killed the dinosaurs cannot survive two weeks under my car
1 in 5 people are Chinese. Only 5 people in my family, it’s either mom or dad, brother Colin, younger brother Ho Chan. I think it’s Colin.
Jake and the Cat Man:
One man solves crime, the other spends the entire show being startled by thunder.
*pretends to throw ball*
*dog runs to chase it*
Ha, stupid dog.
*dog keeps running, disappears over horizon*
Um
*dog tackles me from behind*
My report card always said I was not living up to my full potential. Well, the joke’s on them. That really was as good as I was going to get
[Entomologist Meeting]
Guy 1: We found a new, wingless bug. Name ideas?
Guy who named the fly: A crawl?
G 1: Shut your goddamn mouth Todd
Adult: What’s that a drawing of?
Someone else’s kid: A house and a rainbow and my smiling family
My kids: SONIC THE HEDGEHOG BUT HE FOUGHT ALIENS AND NOW HE’S COVERED IN BLOOD SEE HERE I AM CRYING ON THE CORNER
Friend: Get anything for Valentine’s Day?
Me: Chocolate-covered strawberries and wine.
Friend: Did you get him anything?
Me: No, I spent all my money on my strawberries and wine.
HER: let’s be open about how we really feel. I’ll go first I love you.
ME: Ok well… I really, really, don’t want Naruto to end
HER: wtf?