Therapist: you’ve finally learned to stand up to people, well done
Me: thank you
Therapist: now you need to pay my bill
Me: no
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Me, day twenty of law school:
Your diligence, the prosecution rests.
Judge: Counselor, for the third time…you are the defense.
Me: Shit! Can I go again?
God: you’re a penguin.
Penguin: actually I’m a spy.
God: uh no you aren’t.
Penguin: then why am I wearing this tux?
God: that’s just what you look like.
Penguin: that’s exactly what a spy would say.
God:
Penguin: isn’t that right…00Heaven.
My driver’s license says I’m an organ donor but jokes on them because I have a piano.
I’m already over this Barbie movie. I’m waiting for “Easy-Bake Oven” to hit theaters.
I keep a spray bottle in my purse just in case a flash mob breaks out near me
LOAN OFFICER: I’m just a little unclear on the details.
DAVE: What are you not getting? I have 3 adoptive sons that are musicians and also chipmunks. They are obviously quite small and thus require custom instruments, for which I need a loan. Why is this so complicated?
[Driving home from restaurant]
WIFE:
ME: What?
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE:
ME: Sheesh. All I did was call the gluten-free stuff “de-floured”
Due to the Corona Virus safety guidelines, hairdressers are now required to keep smalltalk to a minimum.
Introverts: Praise Jesus!
Chef: And then you just cover it with gravy and cheese
Me: Don’t stop, you’re poutine me in the mood
*Speed Dating*
Him: Do you have any hobbies?
Me: *tying my hair in a big knot under my chin so I look like I have a beard*
“TAAA-DAAA!”
The first matador
all the sexy dinosaurs went extinct during the flirtatious period
[First Date]
Me: Mom said be wary of a full moon.
Moon: That’s no excuse for eating my food.
Cop: When the meteor landed on the Old Navy Store it obliterated the clearance section.
Me (also a cop): *Solemnly* Yes. There were many casual tees.
The romaine empire has fallen. Cesar is dead. Lettuce pray.
*eye of the tiger starts to play as I trip & fall down the stairs
“We run a tight ship” barked the captain, his shoulders barely getting thru the doorway “Real tight.”
he turns sideways to fit down the hall
HER: Did you eat my Milk Duds?
ME: *silently chews for 7 minutes, finally swallows* first of all, i don’t appreciate your accusations
How your email finds me
My hot pink mouth is wide open for you, sugar.
Donut: ….
You’ve attempted to log into your online subscription of Psychology Today, please prove you’re not an imposter.
FRIEND: it’s saturday! you know what that means…
ME: hell yeah baby *secretly googles what does saturday mean*
if you have a dog and don’t greet it by singing “hello barkness, my old friend” then what’s the point
Gonna hand out job applications to teenage trick-or-treaters who ring my doorbell.
GF: *vomiting in sink* Ugh morning sickness
Me: Wait. . . wh-what?
GF: I’m pregnant
Me: Woah, slow down. Why did you call me sickness?
“I’ll just stagger around yelling random, incoherent shit as people try to keep me from hurting myself.”
Drunks and 1 year olds.
Me showing up at your door when I find out you hurt my friend’s feelings
Nobody will know you’re stoned if you’re always stoned
I’m so lazy, if I got kidnapped I’d just think, “Well, this is where I live now.”
My kid’s latest drawing. Guys, should I be disturbed? I am disturbed.