I love October because we finally turn the AC off, then turn the heat on at 5am, then turn the heat off by 7am, then open up the windows at 9am, then close the windows at 12pm, then turn the AC back on by 1pm, then turn the AC off again at 7pm, then turn the…
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Drier than a bar of soap after a 7yo has “washed his hands.”
All I’m saying is people who don’t swear are fornicated up emotionally.
Welcome to your 40s: here’s an extra chin.
My wife asked me to put ketchup on the shopping list.
Now I can’t read anything.
Mrs. Jekyll: I’m eating for two
Dr. Jekyll: oh no not you too
“Terrible twos” is such a misleading phrase. It makes it sound like other ages are better.
I’m not saying my house is haunted, but something just growled in here. It can’t see me if I hide under the covers right?
Beethoven:Who wants to hear some Symphonies?
*crowd goes wild
B:I SAID WHO WANTS TO HEAR SOME SYMPHONIES
*crowd goes nuts
B:I CANT HEAR YOU!
[Picasso’s Blue Period]
Picasso: holy shit, call a gynecologist
I can never understand why people act surprised when horrible things happen. Where have you been since birth?
Kids don’t care what their parents do or have done in life. I could cure cancer and my kids would be like LET ME TALK TO YOU ABOUT MINECRAFT, PEASANT
HR: Know why we called you down?
Me: Hmm…my trench coat?
HR: Try again.
Me: Because I’m naked under my trench coat?
What if Harambe was shot by a time traveler trying to prevent Planet of the Apes
I bet the worst part about being a birthday cake is when you’re set on fire, and then eaten by the hero that saved you.
Ok I won’t subliminally ask any more subtraction problems, but I only did it 6 or maybe 3 times. What’s the difference?
One night stands just make more sense for single people. Why would you need a night stand on both sides of the bed?
I was bitten by a radioactive vegan, and now I have the power to bore people to death.
MARTY McFLY: Wait a minute, Doc. Are you telling me that you built a time machine… out of a Prius?
DOC BROWN: This car will repel women in any time period, Marty. We don’t want anyone accidentally hooking up with their mothers.
“My phone is blowing up!”
*2 unread messages*
A shark can sense a drop of blood from 3 miles away, and a mom can sense you’re not getting enough to eat from 10,000.
Cauliflower is just broccoli that’s seen a ghost.
[walks date home]
HER: Wanna come up for a nightcap?
ME: I gotta work early
HER: I have 2 dogs
ME:[already running up stairs like Rocky]
9 out of 10 times, if you call the 1-800 number printed on a consumer product, the person who answers won’t tell you what they’re wearing.
Karen mislaid her phone and called a cafe we were at this morning to see if she’d maybe left it there.
Conversation on the other end of the line:
Person a: Have we had a phone handed in?
Person b: What, a mobile?No mate, a landline 🙄
My wife turned on the shower while I was holding our cat and now I have no arms and he’s halfway to Canada.
A lot of people don’t realize that Donald Glover and Childish Gambino are actually Hannah Montana
Pretty sure HR is going to be paying me a visit, thanks to the CW that emailed to thank me for “all the services I provided them”.
When your unicorn and dragon start battling each other, it’s time to lay off the Ambien
A boogaloo is just a haunted igloo.
Michael Myers taught me to never let shit slide, even if it’s been years😌