GOD: for this to work, I need them to feel love
CUPID: how about I shoot them through the heart with an arrow?
GOD: ur starting to worry me
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Me: Just one more hit. I need it.
Him: *crying* Think about what you are doing to our family. Please.
Me: *hits snooze button*
POSSIBLE NEW IDIOMS:
Quite off your apples
Jumping the night train to Milan
Sequin queen in the salad bar
Lickin’ with the wrong parts
Giddy-nope!
If I wanted baklava I’d’ve brought some syrup
Flamingo laws
Stoplight the conference call
Thwack, thwack, I’m a ruler
Nobody learns to parkour faster than a parent chasing a toddler with a sharpie
it’s bullshit that someone made a bowl out of wet dirt 30,000 years ago and now i have to load a dishwasher
Me, dating.
Him: Hi Wendy. I’m really excited to find out all about you.
Me: Why? Who have you been talking to?
Come on Canada, first Celine, then Nickelback, NOW Bieber!? Are you TRYING to provoke a war?
G: Grandma (completely safe watch with grandma)
PG: Partial Grandma (slightly awkward)
PG13: 13 or more cusses (very awkward)
R: NO grandmas
Rented a Bowflex machine because it was the path of leased resistance.
A hearse was in front of me in the drive through lane at a burger joint. I have questions.
Reading in public is so embarrassing. How thirsty are you for knowledge, bro?
I SCREAM
YOU SCREAM
WE ALL SCREAM BECAUSE MY WIFE IS DRIVING WITHOUT HER GLASSES ON AGAIN!!
Co-pilot: you need to let the passengers know but keep them calm
Me *presses intercom* how fun is swimming?!
How to shape your eyebrows
A thread
I have a type: disappointing
“Knock knock.”
“Who’s there?”
“Santa.”
“Santa who?”
“Santa who has to use the door because you left your fireplace burning, jackass.”
Barry?
Yes Joe
Can I borrow Air Force 1? I promised this girl we’d eat at the Pizza Hut in France
No Joe
*Biden slams fist*
THIS IS BULLSHIT
You’re a cunt. Maybe that’s why you’re alone.
cop pulling me over: whoa whoa, where are you off to in such a hurry
me: some of your colleagues are chasing me
I’m gonna have my body cremated so I can have one last meltdown.
[Job Interview]
How would you describe your time management skills?
Me: Can we talk about this later? I’m late for an appointment.
A baby is 75% water. So if I walked on babies I’d be 75% Jesus. #SolidLogic
In terms of spelling difficulty, I think the word “average” is between easy and hard.
i bet the first guy to say “smooth as a babies bottom” wasnt the most respected man in the community
[date night]
me: you know it was pretty hard to get a table here
gf: we are in your apartment
me: you gotta carry it up like 4 flights of stairs then turn it sideways to get it through the door
Oh wow. It’s so big. Size really does matter. I love it so much.
~my new handbag
i started vaping to fit in with my friends, who are mostly steam whistles
Me (internally): Please say bedridden, please say bedridden…
Dr: You look great! See you again for a check up next year.
Me: sigh
Sorry I can’t come to your thing tonight, I’m too busy figuring out an excuse about why I can’t come to your thing next week
[Cave, present day]
Archeologist [Finding a cave painting]
Wow! This is incredible![Cave, thousands of years ago]
Caveman [Finding paint smeared on wall]
What the…KIIIIIIIDDDDS!
checking out some reviews of my local library