*robbing a bank with a chainsaw*
Me: GIVE ME ALL Y-
Teller: WHAT
M: GIVE ME THE MONEY
T: SIR YOU CAN’T HAVE THAT IN HERE
M: WHAT
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Me: Give me your tenderest of loins.
Butcher: That’s not… Please don’t order it that way.
I wish my seven-year-old daughter would stop using air quotes whenever she calls me “Dad.”
You know that really private/embarrassing stuff you say to your girlfriend when no one else is around? Her friends know all that shit.
Why buy it for $7 when you can make it yourself with $92 worth of craft supplies.
This is true.
ghost of christmas past but it’s just the clothes that used to fit before the pandemic
I told a joke to my boss and he must have found it really funny because now I get to tell it to HR.
Taken 4: How does this shit keep happening
This is one of the many reasons that I am chubby
Me: Gather around children so I can tell you about the atrocity that was the year two thousand and twenty
Nephew: Wha- it’s still 2020.
Me: *staring off into the distance* It was a lifetime ago, so much pain and suffering
Nephew: It’s only August
Me: March lasted fifty years
It’s bad when the hackers try to return your stolen identity.
Cops: you’re not allowed to drink in a moving car
Some Guy: what if it’s a really long car
Cops: oh well that’s different
every time I write an email I think: “you need to be professional. no smiley faces. no exclamation points. use big, smart words. you are so so brave” and then I’ll get a reply from some 60 year old VP named Mike that’s like, “thx. have a gr8 wknd!
Get Outlook for iOS”
Anyone who has got experience dealing with a friend or loved one who was an addict? Do you have any resources that you found useful? Can you please share? I love you all. Stay safe out there.
washing machines need a ‘good luck’ setting for the things you’re not sure are machine washable but you’re about to find out
me: an open casket with my vape pen hanging from my mouth
wedding DJ: i meant final requests for songs man
Five little monkeys jumping on the bed,
One fell down and bumped his head,
Mama called the doctor and the doctor said,
Start a GoFundMe or else he’s dead
Me: I’d kill for your body.
Female trainer: Actually, with consistent exercise and clean eating…
Me: No that sounds hard I’d rather do murder
*spits out mouthful of peacock feathers* I’m sorry, I thought these were for just anyone to eat. *gets escorted from zoo*
JESUS: I shall turn water to wine
JUDAS: Actually wine is 85% water so that’s only 15% miracle
JESUS: This is literally the WORST betrayal
Whenever I leave a fancy restaurant, I like to tell the diners coming in “I recommend the tandoori cat.”
My wife said to me: “If you won the lottery, would you still love me?” I said: “Of course I would. I’d miss you, but I’d still love you.”
I built a tricycle pram tonight
*adds bike mechanic to the resume*
[2287 AD]
Omg: dad, where did our names come from?
Karen: the algorithm, son
Meatsheets: dad, we already know there’s no algorithm
Karen: *soft blocks Meatsheets*
Do you know that horrible feeling of guilt when you eat all your kids candy?
Me neither.
(First date)
Just act like he’s not here.
Date: …
Husband: …
if it’s fantasy football i see no reason why i can’t start a dragon at first base
Me: Doc, I hurt my back.
Dr: What happened?
Me: Well, I was rolling over in bed…
Dr: AT YOUR AGE??!???
My goal weight is to stop hearing ‘you have a great personality’
For sale: Baby, won’t stop selling its shoes.