My neighbors had a party and didn’t invite us. I know, I know. Their thank you card is already in the mailbox.
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Finally found a house! We couldn’t afford it and it wasn’t for sale, but we just murdered the owners and took it anyway. Happy Columbus Day!
Leo: You will unwrap a package of Pop Tarts and none of the corners will have fallen off. This is how you will know you died in your sleep.
i always see couples holding hands but how do you become part of a couple? do you just leave your hand out and if someone holds it, you’re a couple
Just watched a woman outside of the UPS store yell at another woman, “GO TO HELL, MARGARET!” Margaret looked absolutely scandalized. As if this was the first time someone told Margaret to go to hell. As if.
Tomorrow’s forecast seems ominous.
The part I hate about this new cereal is unwrapping all the foil eggs.
Me: Anyone seen my black shoes?
12yo: If you put them away when you took them off, you’d know where they are.
Someone likes to live life dangerously.
English is crazy we’ve got silent g’s, p’s, h’s, mimes, c’s… where does the madness stop?
If boarding school taught me anything it’s how to get on planes and trains.
bartender asked if i wanted another beer & i said “no thank you, i have to pee soon & don’t like leaving an open beer” so one of the guys said “ain’t nobody gonna drink your beer”
…do men think the reason we don’t leave our drinks unattended is because someone will drink it??
it’s only a faux pas if it’s from the faux pas region of france, otherwise it’s just a sparkling oops
Mom: Aww she is having so much fun!
Child (blowing bubbles and popping them): I CREATE AND DESTROY. I AM A GOD.
My human just got off the phone and said to me, “You won’t be a happy kitty tomorrow.”
I’m suddenly having trust issues.
Writers will call anything menacing and I’m just supposed to accept it. “A menacing wind” “a menacing howl in the distance”. Just say you’re scared of wind and corgis. Don’t try to convince me it’s reasonable.
Insomnia: she’s not going to sleep again and it’s all your fault
Coffee: she likes me strong and takes me late at night
Me: can you two stop talking about me like I’m not right here
I’ve gained a couple lbs so I went and bought some new granny panties and I’ve gotta say if there’s a fire at our house my 7yr old can use those suckers to parachute from the top floor to safety.
As the anesthetic knocks you out, your surgeon washes his hands and misses a really easy shot into the garbage with the paper towel.
I heard girls like guys that are mysterious so I just put a fog machine under my bed
Yes, but you should see the other pea
~Black eyed pea probably
My son turned 3 and suddenly his elbows are spears, all I’m saying is it seems very uncool that my tiny dictator should get more weapons.
Do something nice for your ex today, take them out. One bullet should do the trick.
An adult is a person who makes noise when they stand up.
I always try to hold the door open for women I see walk by, so we can talk and get to know each other. But none of them will get in my car.
My wife’s favorite position is where I’m bent over the kitchen sink doing the dishes.
Me: can you spell wonton backwards?
Friend: not now !
impressing strangers by telling them i drive a Nissan Easy Bake Oven
“Tell me about yourself”
Well, I’m a Canadian-
“Oh yeah? Tell me a joke funnyman”
I’d like to criticize your fidget spinner but I used to own a pet rock.
PRINCESS PEACH: oh Mario I have terrible news
MARIO: what is it
PRINCESS PEACH: Luigi is dead!
MARIO: who?
PRINCESS PEACH: *sighs and pinches bridge of her nose* green you is dead
MARIO: oh no!