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Let’s talk about the elephant in the room.
Elephant: I can hear you, you know.
My cat has learned to help himself to snacks so obviously this homeschooling is a raging success.
hey 🙂 if you’re having a good day, i just want you to know that tarantulas can swim
Once a guy leaned into kiss me and I panicked and flicked him. Then he was like DID YOU JUST- DID YOU? FLICK? ME
And I laughed so hard I cried
So yeah! I’m great at dating
My Mom taught me to treat others the way I want to be treated so I always walk up to strangers and spray canned cheese in their mouth.
Wife: I won’t ask again, take the trash out!
Me: OK, ok. I’m doing it!
[3 days later]
W: Can you take the trash out?
M: No way!
W: *angry* I beg your pardon?
M: *shrugging* You promised you’d never ask me again
W: I despise you
April is alcohol awareness month…..I think we’re all aware.
Cheers!
Mrs Doubtfire is my favourite movie about violating a custody agreement
wife: I was saving that
me [eating bacon] It expires today
*wife checks package*
*sees I crossed out the date and wrote “today”*
them: talk is cheap
me: two talks please
We need to overthrow that Tyrannosaurus Rex and democratically elect a Presidentosaurus Rex
*fashions codpiece out of grilled cheese sandwich*
Wife: it’s still NO!
If someone ever intimidates you, remember that they’re 70% water. Are you scared of water? Well you should be. 400,000 people drown per year
Got drunk and did my taxes, i am getting back 1 zillion dollars, 2 slaves, and somehow the state of Rhode Island, this can’t be right.
My toddler was about to hit her head on a bar at the playground so I told her to duck and she quacked at me.
And then hit her head.
[first day as a midwife]
ME: Keep pushing! I can see the head!
NURSE: You’re at the wrong end.
Saw my son pretending to pole vault with a curtain rod. It took me a good 10 mins to realize it meant there were curtains down somewhere.
“well i asked asked her to move in after 3 months but i don’t think-”
[cop interrupts me] do you know how fast you were going IN YOUR CAR
My husband said let’s cuddle, so he took one dog and I took the other two, and we cuddled.
My son has been awake for 15 minutes which means he’s been telling me all about his favorite video game for 15 minutes.
I’m sorry we fought. I hate it when you’re wrong.
Establish dominance over your grandma by giving her a crisp $5 bill on her birthday.
*rings bell*
“Can I help you?”
Yes I’d like a dragon on my back an-
*starts pooping on a crucifix*
WTF? *checks sign on door*
“Taboo Artist”
Most people don’t know this, but a canine that practices medicine is called a Dogter.
Permission to use your hammer, your honor
It’s a gavel
Permission to use your gavel
Denied
*looks longingly at pile of walnuts & sighs*
Nowadays pictures are more filtered than water.
I’m doing the lords work (judging)
What idiot called it a hot air balloon and not a sphere of heights
need a new bf mines broken 😐
I hate that, you go to someone’s wedding and they’re asking “who invited you” my friend focus on your union and let me eat in peace