You aren’t a real Metallica fan unless you hate all but 2 of their albums
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“Let’s just kill ALL the characters”
-Game of Thrones
Wife: he has no sense of adventure. he even refuses to ride a roller coaster
Therapist: go on
Me: oh so you’re taking her side now
I would throw more parties if they didn’t turn me into a hotel concierge. Always standing. Always waiting for someone to need me.
God: I made something new. It’s like a tornado, but smaller.
Angel: What do you call it?
God: A toddler.
“It says on your profile you’re part of an orchestra? What instrument do you play?”
“Gun”
Some women complain that their husbands aren’t observant, not me. I’ve been wearing a new ruby ring (that my husband doesn’t know he bought me) for 3 days now and I’m thrilled he hasn’t noticed.
a fun prank is when ur friemd about to sit in a chair u pul the chair out from under them and replace it w/ a fancier mor comfortabal chair
Me: get out, it’s my turn in the hedge now you’ve been hogging it way too long
Hedgehog: no
A “Purge” comedy where two pals accidentally kill someone a week before the purge and try to fake the person’s life until the murder would be legal.
So weird that my kids will touch every handle in the house except the one that flushes the toilet
My husband got our kids to clean their rooms by promising them they could watch him play video games so basically all I need to do to get my kids to eagerly do their chores is become good at Fortnite. Cool
GF: I’m leaving you because you’re obsessed with Spanish puns and Despicable Me.
ME: Please don’t go. You’re Juan in a minion.
[doctor looking at my xrays]
doctor: this is exactly what i was afraid of
me: what
doctor: skeletons
If homosexuals come out of the closet, do necrophiliacs come out of the casket?
Before I had kids I wasn’t a morning person but after parenting for years I can finally look at the beautiful sunrise every day and say, I’m still not
She told me she’d do anything for 20 bucks. Guess who just got his Mustang washed.
Oh, I just remembered. You’re boring…. and my legs work!
bae: come over
me: can’t, in self isolation
bae: my parents aren’t home
me:
Me: Door knobs are for losers. Just kick it in.
Anger Management Coach: *takes off glasses and starts silently crying*
Just saw a restaurant that was Japanese/Italian fusion and I can’t think of anything I want less than cheesy noodle sushi.
love the HBO account having a prewritten response to “god damn no one can see shit on your show it’s too dark” comments
People always ask me if my problem kid is the middle child but my husband is the oldest.
cat owners be like don’t worry he only scratches if you pet him or feed him or call him or touch him or make noise or walk past him or
Friend: Oh my God, I just can’t explain how he makes me feel. He just has this way with me. It’s just so…magical.
Me: You’re literally paying him for that and technically hypnosis is not magic.
To the teenager that flipped me off for honking at you. Your phone is on top of your car.
I asked my mom how her first date went with a guy she met on eharmony and she said “let’s just say we were physically compatible” and I said “let’s just say fine next time”
all my demons came for free. these must be organic.
i’m a pretty resilient person unless something hard is happening
My Kid: (handing me balloons) Daddy, can you make balloon animals?
Me: uh…sure… I can make an eel, or a snake…
My Kid: I want a poodle.
Me:…or a worm…
My Kid: POODLE!
Harry: Want to see a magic trick?
Voldemort: Let’s see what you got Potter.
Harry: Got your nose!
Voldemort: You know I hate that game.