How many boxes of Girl Scout cookies are in a serving?
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Social media allows me to review all my mistakes in chronological order…with pictures.
Guy who likes music
You ever think someone is breaking into your house and then realize oh, it鈥檚 just the clothes in the washer I started 5 minutes ago.
Me: finally drifting off to sleep
The alarm: you’re not gonna believe this
Important news x ( everyone needs this on a Monday morning )
I miss you like an idiot misses the point.
I wouldn鈥檛 say my husband and I are competitive but we do play a very cutthroat version of name that tune anytime a song comes on.
I started drinking more water and now all my workouts consist of walking back and forth to the bathroom.
DOCTOR: a new study says the meds ur on cause hallucinations
ME: oh
LARGE MENACING CACTUS THAT FOLLOWS ME EVERYWHERE: was it peer reviewed?
*receives text from wife
“I’m done”
Ok. I’ll have my lawyer call yours.
“I meant work”
Ok. Cool.
It’s always cool to swallow your pride unless you’re a lion.
Lol
My husband just screamed NOOOOOO so loud I thought something was horribly wrong. Don鈥檛 worry you guys, no one is injured, someone just hit their ball in the water at the Master鈥檚.
Sure you call it a college fund for your kid, yet deep in your heart you know it鈥檚 bond money.
You think if I tell my dad “30 is the new 20” he’ll start paying all my bills for me again like he did 10 years ago?
Sorry I borrowed your pen and performed that emergency tracheotomy that turned out not to be an emergency.
And sorry about your neck hole.
Her: I love a bad guy
Me: I鈥檝e got some prison tatts.
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up my shirt and points to my belly] This one is of Alcatraz.
“Pardon me. Might I murder you with my musket? Yes? Excellent news, kind sir!” – The Very Civil War
@funTweeters thanks so much!! 馃槝
Wrapped gifts: boring, predictable
Burying the gifts around the yard: creative, perplexing
CLERK: $3.74
ME: *reaches in pocket & pulls out whole ham* sorry I have cash *reaches back in & pulls out 2nd ham* well this is embarrassing
Sad that Batman’s never seen a PG movie b/c he never had parental guidance
Cop: My informant told me where the killer is
Chief: Nice. Did he give you a name?
Cop: No chief *frowns* my parents did that
before meds: i hate everything
after meds: *with enthusiasm* i hate everything
I’m 20, my face is 18, my voice is 16, my back is 60 馃ゲ.
My 6 year old found the duct tape and now nothing in my house moves.
Having to share a room with your spouse is absolute nonsense. Even kids get their own rooms…
What do we want?
A CURE FOR PARANOIA
When do we want it?
WHO WANTS TO KNOW
Just found out men don’t need prostate exams till at least 40. I think my doctor has a lot of explaining to do.
Sometimes people just need you to be genuine with them, and I personally have no problem pretending to do that.
wife: what鈥檇 you do today
me: [ate an entire block of cheese] I kept our son from eating an entire block of cheese