I think my girlfriend is a serial killer you guys…she wakes up and makes the bed in the morning
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So if you want to be sure your internet history is deleted, just whisper ‘please delete my internet history’ into any hole on the computer
*pronounces ‘cake’ like ‘khaki’ in all your tweets
Nobody ever mentions one of the greatest joys of being a parent is mocking your kids in an annoying voice, repeating what they whined about
My most difficult parenting challenge to date is when my toddler shouted “oh my god, not again!” when my over talkative neighbour came to chat to us and I had to try not to laugh
Jesus: I can turn water into wine.
Aquarium: [loud drunken cheering]
me: [pooping in a basket]
hot air balloon pilot: ok everyone out.
I think the worst part about the collapse of civilization will be all those people with no way to remove their braces.
The spider I saw in the bathroom ran under the trash and disappeared. I know I was going to kill it but I still think that’s rude.
[me as an uber driver]
yeah I have a degree but this way I can also make crying in my car profitable
Men be like this is my all in one shampoo-conditioner-body wash-face soap-toothpaste-car wax
A car pool is an extravagant waste of water.
Fear does not exist in this dojo, does it?
NO, SENSEI!
Gluten sensitivity does not exist in this dojo,does it? Put your hand down Aiyden
ME: Brad’s here
HUSBAND: Brad who needs space or Brad who’s paranoid about being murdered?
BRAD: OMG u 2 are smothering me
ME: I’ve no idea
I get it fireworks, people set me off too.
Instead of throwing cheese at babies, I would like to gently lay a piece of cheese over a sleeping mouse like a blankie, then when he wakes up, it’s like a bed & breakfast.
It’s like grandma always said…
Make sure you put everything in the medicine cabinet back where you found it or you won’t be invited back.
Resigned to my own fate, but also really hoping that fate includes Snickers bars and an 8th season of Buffy the Vampire Slayer.
Parents who are afraid that giving teenagers condoms will just ensure they have sex to use them have obviously never owned a bread maker.
1. Get preg
2. Transfer ur soul to fetus using
Satanic alchemy
3. Give birth to yourself
4. Old body dies
5. Be a baby
You know you’ve outstayed your welcome when a British person asks “what time’s your train?”
[At Adele Concert]
Adele: Hello from the other siiiiiide
Me (shouting): Tell us your surname
Currently binge watching old eclipses to get caught up for tomorrow.
Don’t kick over a rock if you’re not mentally and physically prepared for what may be underneath….
Make a horror film less scary by putting old timey words in the title, i.e. The Thingamabob, Jason Goes To Heck or The Hills Have Peepers.
Checks for abs
Finds an M&M
Who called it a volcanic eruption and not a lavalanche?
Aaaaaand…send.
Remember the good old days when everyone was going to hell in handbaskets instead of in flaming runaway mine carts?
this guy with binoculars has been watching me watch him with binoculars and i don’t know who’s winning