police: im sorry to both of you. your son set the school on fire.
parents: arson?
police: yes, your son.
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In case you ever worry you spend to much money on dumb things you should know they’re still making Grey’s Anatomy
Every time you do a shot of tequila, an angel hi-fives a fairy and they agree to meet later to kick you in the head while you’re sleeping.
“We’re not lost!” Dad would insist, despite Mom’s complaints that “This isn’t on the map” and “We shouldn’t be seeing the ocean from Tulsa.”
*gets on knees and prays*
Please Harry and Meghan on House Hunters International
I’ll call it smartphone when it slaps me in the face before sending a text to an ex.
You ever get out of the shower and forget to rinse the conditioner out of your hair?.. Yeah, me neither.
Those who ignore history are doomed to repeat it…
…anyway, my son is taking history again this fall.
JOSEPH AND MARY: We’ll stay in the manger, we don’t care
INN MANAGER: Fine. Just don’t make a scene
Toilet paper has a lot of other uses!
Your baby? Boom. It’s a mummy.
Your dog? Boom. Mummydog.
This lamp? Boom. Your living room is on fire.
Don’t think of it as losing followers, think of it as frustrating bots to the point they go away
Protip: Never end a work email with “Let me know if you want to discuss” without immediately leaving the building.
Totally stoked to find some chicken in my chicken noodle soup
Welcome to your 40s: that “teenager”over there is actually 27.
[1st day as IT guy]
CUSTOMER: My laptop is down today, can you help?
ME: I’ll try [softly, to laptop] Cheer up, bud, everything will be ok
There are two wolves inside of us? I’m pretty sure I have 2 raccoons inside of me and they’re fighting over an old can of beans they found in the trash.
I’m white but not ‘sleep in front of a store to save $30 on a television’ white.
Well this pretty much sums up 2020.
Sex is like tacos. I wish I was having some now.
Me: Well honey, this place is ripe for arson
Realtor: Right for your son? Oh yes
Me: This house will be coals
Realtor: Cole is a lovely name
Now she’s falling asleep, and I’m calling a crab.
INTERVIEWER: that’s not what I meant by “what’s your strong suit”
ME: oh *putting shirt back on over superman costume* I’m quite good at excel
*Shakes wife awake
“Honey. I’ve done it. I’ve invented a time machine!”
Wife:Omg kill Hitler!
“What? It’s a time machine: it tells time.”
Your mom when the street lights been on 6 minutes and you’re not home yet.
*looks at fish tank
6: It’s part cat and part fish?
Me: No it’s just a fish
*Catfish maintains eye contact while pushing over treasure chest
remember when you could lay in one position for hours, now you have to rotate like a rotisserie chicken every 15 minutes or a hip hurts.
you’ve been hit by
*bang-bang*
you’ve been struck by
your time management
I know two wrongs don’t make a right, obviously. But how many does it take? I’m like on 756.
I drink so much coffee, people feel jittery when they see a picture of me.