My yoga instructor was drunk today.
Put me in a very awkward position.
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A teenage girl trying to find the right t-shirt, is far more decisive than me in front of 10 different sandwiches
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Do you think his parents looked at him as a baby and said “You look like an Engelbert Humperdinck”?
I kept getting my shin badly grazed by the pedal of my bike when I was was a kid, that was one vicious cycle.
Eggs Benedict implies the exsistence of Eggs Cumberbatch
Throughout the entire Twilight saga, there are over 24 minutes of just staring.
If at first you don’t succeed then try, try again.
Unless you’re skydiving then good luck with that.
5yo: Mom is 47!
Husband: She doesn’t look a day over 40.
Me: I’m 37.
In addition to dental offices, the following should be allowed to offer nitrous oxide:
•car dealerships
•gynecologists
•children’s birthday parties when parents have to stay and wait
•nail salons
•work meetings that last longer than 30 minutes
•baby showers
The Dark Web implies the existence of a Medium and dare I say Blonde Roast Web.
[sermon]
There will come a day when Christ will drive out evil from our land, and it will be the Judgment Day!
*T-1000 shifts nervously*
[Extremely heavy metal voice]
HELL YES I WOULD LOVE TO HOLD YOUR BABY
for years you mocked us, you made fun of our over-sized purses full of goldfish crumbs, our hair ties on our wrists, our jackets just in case, but who do you need now? who has 6 half-full containers of hand-sanitizer stored in old bags around the house? that’s right. moms.
I love when you look into someone’s eyes and you can just see their face light up because they are some sort of cyborg with face lighting.
I’m not flirting with disaster, we’re eloping.
i just think if i chewed lava quick enough it wouldn’t be too bad
Everybody gangsta til they have diarrhea and a broken zipper
Flex on houseplants by drinking water whenever you want
This lady totally messed up my Zen during my yoga session by switching on the lights and waking me up.
Netflix and oh great my wife is asleep already.
Million-dollar idea:
Upload your podcast to YouTube, but with a video of a generic-looking Zoom meeting, so people can tune in and pretend they’re working. It looks like important quarterly sales stuff, but it’s really The True Crime Murder And Makeup Tips Hour.
Wrestling is the only sport that gets more embarrassing when you become a professional.
Her: I’m hungry. If you loved me you’d give me breakfast in bed 😉
Me: *hands her my emergency poptart from my pillowcase* only because ily
Eucalyptus are the only plants named after what they would say if pruned
Inside you are two Cookie Monster. One want cookie. The other want more cookie.
I hate it when my Wife says that we need to talk.
It’s always “What’s wrong with you?” and never about sports, beer or bikini models.
townsfolk: you should come to the festival
me: is this a normal “corny” festival or a “human sacrifice to ensure good harvest” festival?
townsfolk: which will entice you to be there?
me: oh i’m going regardless
I hate when I find a show on TV that I like and I start to get into it and then I realize that it’s my neighbor’s window and he looks angry.
Sex so good the peeping Tom made sandwiches.
If you live alone and you have pets they don’t know your name
me: [absolutely shredding] I told you I played a little guitar
him: that’s a mandolin