If I get bit by a vampire at this age, I’m going to be furious.
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She lied to me. Just like the resealable cheese industry.
I told my daughter she had to donate two toys to the community toy drive and she picked two of her sister’s toys to give away so I’m pretty sure she’s gonna be a CEO someday.
People: Coronavirus is the worst thing that could have happened in 2020.
Murder hornets: Hold my stinger.
We put a man on the moon in 1969, and if you elect me to be your president, I promise that we will not stop until every man is on the moon.
*buying teacher’s gifts*
7: Mrs. J said she hates candles.
Me: {recalling mountain of homework every night} Pumpkin Spice Candle it is then!
My kids are out of town so I’m going to get wild and drink my coffee while it’s still hot.
Pro tip: Doing the worm into your bosses office makes him forget what he wanted to yell at you about
It’s me lowering myself down like the upside down kiss scene in Spider-Man but to eat a croissant out of a bakery display
There are 2 kinds of twitter.
[Gets on one knee]
Margaret-
[Pulls out ring]
Will you- will you please hide this, Gollum won’t stop following me.
Who called him Spider-Man and not Netflix?
Think you’re a tough guy?
Go eat a package of Oreos in the middle of a crowded gym.
I’m a human alarm clock so when I wake up this early for no reason, I punch myself in the face to turn myself off.
Me to alien:
I, too, try to live among people undetected
Love this joke:
Apparently one of the symptoms of COVID-19 is having no taste. Looking back on all my exes, I think I’ve been infected for years!
4yo: mom the whistle makes my brain hurt
me: same
4yo: *blows whistle again*
Unpopular opinion: I don’t like that country song about that road.
Movie where someone thinks they’re a ghost and the plot twist is they were alive the whole time
[calls work] I’m sorry I can’t come into work today
“is everything alright?”
[getting owned in an argument on YouTube] no
Underage me: pretends to be sick so I can sneak out window to go to a party
Older me: pretends to be sick so I don’t have to go to a party
Student Teacher: okay class, who knows what an oxymoron is
Kid: you’re an oxymoron
Student Teacher: well yes technically that is correct
If you made me mad in the 90s, I’d pickup up the landline while you were on the internet
In middle school I knew a guy named Austin who would always say that he slept with your mom to own you. Then one kid called his bluff and started talking about how Austin had basically ruined his family and how his mom was in prison now. Completely changed the game.
A fun way to get exercise is grab a chainsaw and chase a hiker.
For fun, the next time you
have an attractive waitress-Order a “quickie”
then act surprised when she
tells you it’s pronounced “quiche”
when you’re jamming to an old-school r&b song and someone older than you ask “what you know about this?”
me:
Interviewer: “Do you consider yourself a punctual person?”
Me: “I was born three months premature.”
GUY VISITING FROM THE SUN: This weather isn’t hot
My wife is playing hard to get.
Rid of.