you ever take a long hard look at yourself and think, “wow, i should really clean this mirror.”
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Homework. The teachers’ way of knowing how smart the parent is.
My boss: Do you have Twitter?
Me: Spell it for me, I’ll search my apps.
Jesus was actually killed by the FBI when he discovered birds weren’t real
What they don’t tell you about marriage is that between year 5 and 15, your wife will record you snoring in the night, and then present it to you like it’s evidence in a murder trial.
“I want you inside me,” I whispered to the tray of warm brownies.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
I need another cup of coffee
And a donut, too.
[Bar]
HER: I want to have sex so badlyME: [trying to impress her] I am so bad at sex
When a woman asks you to smell something, it usually smells good.
Men on the other hand…
Judge: I sentence you to life in prison
Defendant: NOOOO MY ONLINE PRESENCE
Remember kids, those light up sneakers won’t seem so cool when wolves are chasing you through the woods at night.
opening and closing my bank account like I do the fridge hoping things will improve
Im not dating any guy with hair longer than mine. I refuse to compete for pretty hair.
[Driving back from the petting farm]
5: They didn’t have duckies this time, but they had baby pigs!
[remembering the Smuggled Duckiling Incident from months earlier, I slam on brakes]
Me: IS THERE A BABY PIG IN THIS CAR
I want my kids to have a fun childhood, but like a lazy, quiet kind of fun that doesn’t cost anything.
If god didn’t like sex, He wouldn’t make us scream His name when it’s really hot.
4-yr-old saw picture of me pregnant.
I explain that she was inside me. She thought for a bit then said:
“I never want to do that again.”
Walking into an eye doctors office 5 minutes after the eclipse and going “I know. I know”
FYI –
Lisa on FB has cramps but is still going to yoga.I’ll keep you all posted.
My mom had a “sex talk” with me when I was 14 or 15. It was before my piano lesson and she said, “NEVER TRUST BOYS. THEY ONLY WANT ONE THING” then walked away without ever saying what it was.
So every time a classmate asked to look at my notes, I slapped the shit out of him.
This day in history. 1963. The Beach Boys released “Be True to Your School” but I wasn’t taking orders from 5 guys who shared 1 surfboard.
If one more teenager uses the term ‘Back in the day’…I swear I’m gonna smack them with a floppy disk and choke them with my legwarmers.
just pretend nothing happened
Guy at the Apple store suggested I turn off my phone once a week, so I slapped his face and ran out of the store crying.
Italian mafia fugitive caught after posting cooking show on YouTube
Hostess: It’s a 15 minute wait. May I have your name?
Me: Baron Von Gerhardt, heir to the throne of Osterburken.
Hostess:
Me: Write it down.
“911? Help, my house is burning down!”
“Sir, we’re sending the fire brigade right now.”
“I HAVE ENOUGH FIRE I DON’T NEED A BRIGADE OF IT.”
Congrats, you’ve been selected for the job
Me: Whats the salary?
10k now and will increase to 25k later
Me: Ok then, I will come later
*sees hot guy
*wiggles eyebrows
*licks lips
*winks, contact lens falls into coffee, sips coffee, gags on contact lens*mouths* “call me”
Her: so, are you seeing anyone?
Me: nope, it’s just the voices.