cdc: covid lives on countertops for hours
my cat: *slowly pushes it off*
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My level of hotness..
I learned to dance from watching the bears in the Charmin commercials.
Life hack:
Use a pot lid as a shield when cooking bacon with no pants on.
Had my mom call me to get out of a meeting, but now I’m stuck in a call with my mom
ME: Got here as fast as I could! I have the anecdote!
HIM [dying of snakebite]: Please say you mean antidote
ME: Funny story! This one time—
[drops capsule in woman’s drink] Maybe when that’s finished, we can get out of here? [green sponge dinosaur grows out of glass] Ready to go?
You look like a snack:
-way overused
-not specific enough
-not enough affectionate noisesYou look like a moose:
-a very cute moose
-make all the boy moose go HWAAAAH
I definitely have more respect for teachers after homeschooling for the past few weeks. On the other hand, I should probably figure out whose kid this is. Anybody missing a math prodigy with a runny nose?
Inventor of the Ouija Board: I have created the most evil family game ever
Inventor of Monopoly: oh, child
Of all the horrible ways to die I think healthy eating sounds the most painful.
Thanks to Fitbit, all my anxious pacing can be passed off as exercise.
Cop: so are you guys in some sort of polyamorous sex thing?
Raphael: what? no we’re brothers.
Cop: oh. It’s just with the matching outfits I thought-
Leonardo: no we like girls. human girls
Cop: is that… is that less weird?
ME:I dunno why I try dialogue tweets.
ME: Me neither.
ME: Who neither
ME: You
ME: Which you? Me you or you you?
I’ve tried to be a people person, but people ruin the experience.
In France they call Mr. Bean Monsieur Legume
Flight attendant: “will you perform exit row duties in the event of an emergency?”
Me: “yes”
In my head: “No we’re all gonna die”
Past is the past, it’s all gravy under the bridge.
Good Morning.
Me, wearing face mask. Flight attendant: “are you gonna be like this all night?” Me: “yes!! It’s the best mask ever. From Korea. Collagen! Ugh it’s called….Let me get the package out of the trash so you can see ok one sec” flight attendant: “no I just mean like, awake”
Him: Maybe you should start counting your calories
Me: Maybe you should start counting your days
My housemates are convinced our house is haunted. I’ve lived here for 274 years and not noticed anything strange.
I overheard two female coworkers say there was a creepy dude listening to their conversation.
Eating fried cheese is the closest i’ve gotten to doing heroin.
Doctor: your husband is being treated by a team of ten strainers
Woman: you mean he’s
Doctor: yes, in ten sieve care
“After he ate the shrooms, Mario ate flowers and pretended he could shoot fireballs out of his hands.”
– Princess Peach, at Couples Therapy
You learn early in life not to play around in your mom’s purse. Especially things that look like a little can of silly string.
The mace stays in your lungs and eyes for life.
An empty box at the top of the stairs, the cat, an inevitable union.
The nice part about living in a small town is that when you don’t know what you are doing, someone else does!
Decorated the house across the street so I can look out the window and enjoy my handiwork.
Wait, what’s that noise?
Is there a dying cat outside?
Oh…no…it’s just a 50 yr old man racing a remote control car down the road.