“YOLF!”
– immortals, probably
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What if death changed its name to Jeff and you had to say things like I can’t wait for the sweet release of Jeff.
There was a sudden Jeff in the family
Only two things in life are certain: Jeff and taxes
Why do all Gas Station restrooms look
like you just walked in on an exorcism.
Poor character written by an author who has experienced poverty: My problem is that I’m $300 short on the rent and now my car is making a noise
Poor character written by a rich author: My problem is that I feel so inferior beside these beautiful, sophisticated rich people
My 5-year-old talks to me about our solar system like I have no idea it exists, “do you know about the sun? It’s a star.” Yeah I know. I was the one that told you about it.
Quoting famous dead people on the internet is stupid.
~Confucius
Gosh, some tweeters are super nice.
One guy offered to trim my tree and another one wants to stuff my stockings!
Drivers in my town ignore crosswalks. If they had shot the Abbey Road album cover in my town, there would’ve been one or two fewer Beatles.
PERSON: “You don’t have kids!? How old are you?”
ME: “31.”
P: “That surprises me. I’d be lost without my kids. I mean, how do you find meaning in life?”
M: “Marvel keeps coming out with films… so I have that.”
[invention of croutons]
Let’s make eating salad hurt
Leaving my son at college
Me, crying: Eat healthy food, dress warm when it’s cold, be careful late at night, wash your sheets once a week, take vitamin c every morning
Husband: Love ya bud
My kids have started removing one letter of bad words, so they can call each other names and not get in trouble.
So, I’ve decided to add one digit to the wifi password until they can be nice to each other.
Your move itches
so apparently if u donate a kidney ur a big hero but donate 9 kidneys and people get very upset
Him: Every Christmas we have pigs in blankets
Me: What a terrible way to talk about your relatives
Baby Dinosaur: Mama, are we born just to die?
Dinosaur: No, baby. One day we’ll also become toxic fuels for idiot meat robots
[me as a passenger on the titanic]
oh ewww are there olives in this salad? YOU be quiet lillian, i swear this trip cannot possibly get worse
“god I love doggy style” I say excitedly as I put a top hat and bow tie on my golden lab
MOM: Would you like some spaghetti before your big rap battle, sweetie?
EMINEM: That sounds wonderful, thanks Mom
A good way to get out of a conversation is to take off one of your socks and hand it to the person talking…
I trained my dog to shake for a treat and now he works the room like the groom at his reception.
My little toaster: *catches on fire*
Me: Coward.
Waitress: Can I take this out of the way for you?
Me: [glances at wife] uh…sure
Wife: SHE MEANS THE PLATE, IDIOT
“Hope you don’t mind, I just like to smoke a little after sex” I say tossing the entire body of a salmon over a charcoal pit
Obama: Joe, look. Full moon
Biden: What? TONIGHT? *starts shapeshifting*
Obama: Joe?
Biden: AARRGHHH
*Gore kicks door down*
Gore: MANBEARPIG
I just bought ibuprofen from Costco so if anyone has any aches or pains, I can help 16,000 of you
Siri, what kind of candy is in that van?
Someone just wished me “Happy Holidays” and I was so offended. How DARE someone assume I’d ever want to be happy.
Positive vibes only, she says from the couch where she watches murder documentaries all day
Not really sure why I have a Google Home, it’s only inadvertently used by people on my TV.
Him: I’m a big Star Wars nerd.
Me: Oh yeah, name one ewok.
Having survived numerous mysterious strangers attempting to kill him as a child, Hitler swore revenge on a cruel world.