Most people call me “bad at pickup lines”
But you?
You can call me tonight.
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soldier: is that a picture of your love?
me: *folding a Subway coupon back into my wallet* yeah
The opposite of ‘taking candy from a baby’ is ‘putting sunscreen on a toddler’.
I Wasn’t Paying Attention to the Zoom Until I Heard My Name Called: A Memoir
a tiny insect just tried to fly into my eye then immediately died on the bathroom sink, guys I think it saw my brain
I’m on the fence about whether to continue spying on my next door neighbours.
“Do you moan when you eat?”
Me, making small talk in an elevator
Me: Raise your right hand. No, your other hand. Your other hand. Your other hand. Your other hand. Your other hand. How many hands do you have??
Octopus:
My husband is taking me on a shopping spree for my bday. I am dressed like I’m about to run a 5k. He is dressed like we are going to a fancy dinner. I gently explained that he grossly underestimated my ability to go the distance and he better hope his shoes are comfortable.
it’s giving duvet, it’s quiltcore, if the vibe was sleepy time she’s serving honk shoooo honk shoooo
Me: Are you mad at me?
Wife: Eventually.
If you need a smile today, here’s a wonderful outtake with Robin Williams and Elmo 😂❤️
Had a job interview at a mirror store today and I gotta say I could really see myself working there
*sees “The customer is always right” sign*
*the waiter sees me looking at it and mouths “not you”*
Sliced my finger open with an apple corer. See? This wouldn’t happen if I was eating cake.
If Batman gets to use a piece of Kryptonite against Superman, Superman should get to use a piece of Batman’s parents. Fair is fair.
Mailman: *handing me a heavy package* what the hell is in here
Me: what?
Mailman: what’s in the package
Me: oh I thought u meant my house
Mailman: no haha
Me: I was gonna say my bed and tables and stuff lol
Mailman: for real what is it
Me: oh bowling balls without holes
“pediatric patients say the darnedest things”
doctor: we need to draw some blood
4: [taking out crayons] ok but I get the red one
So afraid of commitment I only play “Words With Acquaintances”.
Goodnight everyone except the guy who invented that thing that shows that you are typing something
One time I microwaved my lunch at work and my coworker said “That smells spicy! What is that–is that salt?” And when I was speechless she followed up with “Is it pepper?”
No, of course I’m not mad.
It’s fine.
*goes home, starts building a Death Star.
Coworker: *sneezes*
Me: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: *stabs them in the neck with a pen*
HER: You’ve run over my dog
ME: I’m so sorry
HER: You’re gonna have to replace him
ME: [imagines finally being called a good boy] yes please
I thought PrintNightmare was when your boss caught you using the company photocopier to make your lost goldfish flyers.
If you guys could choose between finding the love of your life and always having free internet access, what porn site would you visit first?
I decided to watch The Conjuring alone in a dark apartment and now I’m not allowed to make my own decisions anymore.
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and a dog that does karate
ME: I’m not voting for anyone
CLINTON: that’s a vote for Trump!
TRUMP: that’s a vote for Clinton!
ME: looks like I’m voting twice then
Give me a break, ouija board. I don’t need to know who was killed in this house. Just tell me how the murderer got away with it.