step 6: release the wall snake
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Lady in packed doc office waiting room: This whole county has flu or pneumonia. It’s crazy. My office has 30 people, 14 are out with the flu
Me: *quietly moves to opposite side of waiting room*
Before asking for my advice, remember that I’ve been stuck upside down in a tree three times this week
First person ever to clap: *starts smacking hands together*
People: Look at this idiot…we should do it too
I bet once Bigfoot tries cheeseburgers he’s gonna wanna hangout with us all the time.
My husband is helping me relax this morning by making the kids lunches. He’s asked me 57 times what goes in each lunchbox, and still hasn’t found the bread yet.
any two men could tell me they were in daft punk and i would believe them
My exes dying words were, “you’re obviously in one of your moods”
When someone reads your message, then never responds, it’s just hurtful.
I mean, what else could they possibly have going on at 3 AM?
I can’t believe I have the audacity to say things to my kids like, “if you were actually hungry you would eat those vegetables.”
a murder of crows, a pride of lions, a virgin of gamers
I’m sick of closing out every job interview with “I was young. I needed the money.”
Crap, I hate good-bye kisses. I think that I may have used too much tongue with my mother-in-law.
SON: I’m moving out as soon as I turn 18 and you can’t stop me.
ME: [pumping fist] If you insist.
EARTH: Happy Earth Day to me!
SUN: whatever
EARTH: Why does everything have to revolve around you?
SUN: Physics
Getting ghosted would be awesome if it meant that your Tinder date was simply replaced by an actual ghost and instead of awkwardly sipping a coffee, you had to work with the ghost to solve a series of riddles to figure out how they died.
I don’t have time to get to know you
Be cool immediately
Staying with my parents, part 6:
My mom: Oh hey, those fruit leathers you ate expired last month, just so you know.
Me: WHAT? Nooo!
Her: Next time you should read the box.
Me: I mean…I didn’t think I had to cause I trusted you
Her: lol that was your first mistake
It’s hard to stay mad at Kanye when you remember he once threatened to move to Oklahoma and live at his aunt’s house
Together, I can beat schizophrenia.
Me: There’s a guy in Toronto who survived being shot thirty times. He’s totally fine now
Wife: I am not shooting you. Just go to work
ME: need help?
GIRL (having car trouble): could u give me a jump
ME: *inflating the bounce house I keep in my trunk* I thought u’d never ask
His arrival was foretold in the ancient murals.
REJECTED MARVEL CHARACTERS:
Thorothy
Captain Caillou
Aunt Man
Backfat
Iron Jan
Thanus
Obama sure is waiting until the last minute to take everyone’s guns.
Mary: oh no my period is late
Joseph: oh no how late
Mary: I dunno, what’s the date
Joseph: hmm according to the calendar it’s 9 months BC
Mary: 9 months what now
My husband and I got in a fight and I was certain I had the last word until we went to bed and he started snoring
my feed is like:
ANIMAL CROSSING
eat the billionaires
we are all doomed
ANIMAL CROSSING
gummy bears singing ‘Someone Like You’
ANIMAL CROSSING
we are gonna die
ANIMAL CROSSING
*sharpening guillotines*
ANIMAL CROSSING
ANIMAL CROSSING
SOCIALISM NOW
ANIMAL CROSSING
Moved the bed for the first time in years and found 47 hair ties, a toy steak, and the lost city of atlantis