All these poor newlyweds in quarantine just aging their marriages in dog years.
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*panicking* 3-3-3-3-3-3-3-3-3
Forgot to get McDonald’s after my son’s dr appt to take back to school with him and now CPS just kicked down my door
BREAKING NEWS:
Sting has been kidnapped.The Police have no lead.
Becoming a parent changes your whole life.
One change I was not expecting was that whenever I sit down, I release a hormone only my child can detect that causes him to ask me for something.
Craving that feeling of immediate regret? Invite someone to your house. Works for me
When in a heated disagreement with someone, always try to be the bigger person. That way, you can intimidate the other person with your height.
Only Americans understand
[after I cut a bagel] would you like the side that is somehow three times larger than the original bagel or the side that is the first object ever to have only two dimensions
Sesame Street: this is an educational show
Me: oh yeah? what type of bird is that
Sesame Street: *flustered* a big one
Gummy vitamins for dads called Dadgummit.
🎶99 sheets of TP on the roll
99 sheets of TP,
You take one down,
Make it all brown,
98 sheets of TP on the roll.
98 sheets of TP on-🎶Wife [outside bathroom door]: PLEASE STOP SINGING
Alexa, make out with the Roomba
The best part of my kid graduating was unsubscribing from the school’s text messages.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why don’t they put a scratch and sniff box on recipes?
Ways in which I’m like a bus:
– Often late
– Breakdown at the worst possible times
– Demand change from other people
– Weird smells
If you’re ever wondering if you and your spouse are on the same page fold a large blanket together. You’ll have your answer quickly.
[Not realizing Black Mirror episode is just stuck buffering]
“Ah yes, this is excellent social commentary”
Remember kids, you miss 100% of the shots you don’t drink.
Maybelline claims to make eyelashes appear three times longer…..I think they should start making condoms.
the face you make when passing someone you kind of know but not enough to stop and chat
Bad comedy:
“Gonorrhea, but not forgottenorrhea. Am I right?”
*crickets*
“Jeez, y’all sure know how to avoid the clap. Am I right folks?”
Unsolved mysteries are just mysteries
If money can’t buy you happiness then you’re in the wrong mall.
My dad will drive six hours to avoid a three dollar ATM fee
ENTER PASSWORD.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
RESET PASSWORD.
NEW PASSWORD CAN’T BE OLD PASSWORD.
sets fire to computer
Me: oh wow, this shop has everything my heart desires!
Spooky shopkeeper: yes, I will warn you… every item comes with a price.
Me: yes, I know how shops work
My eye doctor is alarmingly young and when he said he thought I had a chalazion or a hordoleum I thought he might be referencing Pokémon
Haters gonna hate.
Procrastinaters gonna … get back to you on that tomorrow…
At what point in listening to your kid whine can you say, “Sorry. This relationship isn’t working out. You should start seeing other moms.”