Dear dogs, thank you for sleeping at night.
Dear cats, what the hell is your problem?
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Rarely does an interaction with someone end with me thinking “I guess I was wrong about people.”
If you get robot arms don’t get the cheap ones [starts clapping for no reason]
Wife (in deep thought): *clicking pen over and over again*
Me: Can you please stop doing that while we’re having sex?
her: wanna go upstairs
me: yes
her: do u have protection
me: [nervously] why what’s up there
My swear jar is overflowing with IOUs that no bank will guarantee.
Therapist: And how do we respond when our horrible family member says something rude?
Me: You put the Ho in holidays
Therapist: No
One time I had an MRI and the neurologist said I had a nice looking brain and every time I have a good idea I think of this.
My husband hates pickles so much he put consuming them in front of him as a dillbreaker in our pre-nup
Being a diabetic has proved to be difficult. For example, I can’t have a sugar daddy.
It’s not an octopus. It’s a water spider. And yes, so called “marine biologist”, if you live in the ocean you swallow 8 of them every year.
Don’t be fooled by American Airlines, it is just one airline
[comes home from a day away]
Kids: Guess what we did today?!?
Me: Played monopoly, ate pizza, painted, cut paper, had ice cream.
Kids: How’d you know?!?
Me: *looking at everything out* Lucky guess
Just made some home made Mac n cheese, so cheesy and buttery that you have to sign a medical waiver before taking a bite.
Me: Hi—
Her: I have a boyfriend
Me: —and would you like fries with that?
Many rastafarian babies are born out of dreadlock.
Me 5pm: Need to go easy on the booze tonight, have to function tomorrow.
Me 1am: *twerking in a Denny’s parking lot.
We currently live in a house with one bathroom.
Therapist: That’s not what I meant by why do you cry at night.
JUDGE: the charge is murder, how do you plead
VIDEO: not guilty
FAMILY OF RADIO STAR: this is bullshit
Turns on air conditioner
air conditioner: I have a boyfriend
[first date with Shrek]
Shrek: Where shall we go?
Me: Let’s go… OGRE THERE hahaha
Shrek: I’m going back to my swamp
courtroom exchange of the day
When my wife picks a restaraunt that I don’t like, I just say “oh yeah, that’s where that really cute girl works”.
Problem solved.
[Whoville]
Neighbor: Man the Grinch sucks
Me: Yeah he’s kinda grumpy I guess
Neighbor: Nah man he’s a real piece of shit
Me: Seems harsh
Neighbor: *pulls out tuba* I wrote a song about how much I hate him
Me: Ok this is starting to feel like bullying
A young Lil’ Wayne sits alone typing lyrics into Word 97 when a cartoon paperclip suddenly appears on-screen.
[Did you mean “digger”?]
We can’t afford to take our kids to a corn maze this year so we’re going to take them to an IKEA instead.
My autopsy is going to be surprising as hell because I am 100% filled with mashed potatoes
(At the bar)
Woman: Hi, I think I’ve seen you somewhere before.
Me: Must be Twitter
Her: Did you say Tinder?
Me: Ya know, maybe that was it
“So how did you two meet?”
“Unfortunately.”
A fun thing to say when someone asks if you have a sec is “I have a lot of secs.” Then wink. Then fill out sexual harassment paperwork.