With less than 1 day to go..
Mummy, I want everything that is art in the whole world for Christmas. Ok?
You Might Also Like
Don’t expect a “bless you” after you sprayed me down with your sneeze.
maybe less RPGs would be about killing god if gods stopped playing absolutely banging tunes whenever someone tries to kill them
I’m starting a website called onlyflaps.
It’s for plane enthusiasts.
What were you thinking?
condom commercials should just be a live-feed of couples trying to enjoy a decent meal at a restaurant with their kids
‘I HATE drama!’ -Dramatic people
Yes I鈥檝e gained weight. Too many people wanted to have sex with me. It was annoying.
Blowing your load on a girl counts as a baby shower right ?
Come and get your love.
I don鈥檛 deliver. Take out only.
Wife : I wish we still had sex like we did when we first started dating.
Me: So, like, with other people?
when my nephew says the bad word i taught him:
The main difference between barbers and land mine sweepers is that if the barber takes a off a foot or two, he’s having a GOOD day.
I’m not a fan of camping, if I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.
Poking holes in your parents condoms so there’s someone else to do the dishes
‘You’ll go to hell for that joke’
*in Hell
Me: What did you do?
Hitler: Genocide, what did you do?
Me: Dunno tweeted a joke
Cats won’t give away your position when someone knocks on the door. They hide with you, like understanding furry ninjas.
I am all good here, 馃槀馃槈
Shouldn鈥檛 all ghosts be naked? It鈥檚 not like your clothes die too.
Relationship status: my last pickpocket had really gentle hands.
Studio Apartment Available:
– Pet-friendly
– Located next to bridge
– No strings attached
Sex so vanilla Baskin-Robbins names an ice cream after it.
Religion has been soaked in blood like the Parle-G biscuit that breaks off and settles at the bottom of your cup.
Bruce Willis should host a baking competition called Pie Hard.
The best thing about a rabbit is it doesn鈥檛 matter how bad a lay you are, everyone compares good sex to you.
I’m fresh out of hopes and dreams. Can I interest you in despair and disappointments?
It鈥檚 amusing when people wave back at me on hiking trails when all I鈥檓 really doing is swatting away flies.
Why proof read your tweets when you have plenty of people who’ll do it for free
Airlines need to freakin’ make up their mind abt the temp of the plane once n for all.
1st flight was so freakin’ cold, I could see my soda freeze as I was drinking it n now the 2nd one is throwing so much hot air like I wanna lie naked rn!!!
#travelling
#AmericanAirlines
[family of snakes boards a plane and spot Samuel L. Jackson a few rows back]
Father snake: oh no not this again
Baby snake: *starts crying*