me: (11 pm) 😴
me: (1 am) 😴
me: (3 am) 😴
me: (5 am) 😴
me: (7 am) 😳DAMN! I forgot to move the elf, again!
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Has anyone tried changing 2020 from dark mode back to light mode?
the boston alphabet is only 25 letters because they threw the t in the harbor
ISAAC NEWTON: i have just discovered gravity
EVERYONE ELSE: hey how come i can’t float around anymore
Haunted Houses should be open year round. Some of us want to get chased with a chainsaw in January.
Babies have little hands and odd sleep schedules which is why my gym for buff infants has miniature equipment and stays open 24hrs.
I love strippers. They’re awesome. Plus I can’t get my girlfriend to do shit for a dollar.
I named my third child Pi, because having that many kids seemed irrational.
I learned the hard way that it’s a bad idea to pull down your pants and moon someone if you know they’re a werewolf.
one time my grandma told me about a secret menu at burger king that involved a police escort to a second burger king
A surprise party on someone’s birthday isn’t surprising. A better time would be 3-4 months after their birthday, in the middle of the night.
I’ve been meaning to give my car a thorough cleaning, so I think I’ll leave a bottle of hand sanitizer on the dash and tempt fate.
ME: I’ve been shot
MEDIC: put pressure on the wound
ME: ok, wound, are you saving for your child’s tuition because education is important
Every time I forget to feed my cat, I thank god that I wasn’t a teen mom.
Because that child would not be OK today.
I decided to change things up for my neighbors. Instead of seeing me topless, they caught me bottomless.
Me: are you or are you not my people?
My sister: I am, but I’m still not driving 3 hours to get you a bagel.
Anyone who says cheetahs are the fastest land mammals hasn’t seen me move a cat off an expensive area rug before he pukes.
Boss: how flexible is your lunch today?
Me: *putting my chicken’s leg over his head…
“I think he’s really limber!”
How old is too old to go trick or treating? Say over 50. Please say over 50.
Everyone knows someone with a shelter dog that is 50% Chihuahua and 50% 8 other breeds that is calmer than any other dog in the world and lives to 25. Everyone likes them. The dog is always called like Squirt or something
*email from Amazon*
Your package has arrived! To see a picture of the delivery, click HERE
Your front door was faded. For suggested paint colors, click HERE
Your dog was loud. To browse calming treats, click HERE
We saw you changing clothes. To shop for curtains, click HERE
YouTube suggestion: [Inspirational video] I wake up at 3 am
Me [at midnight]: no thank you! I don’t want that kind of negativity
Every morning I wake up and every morning there is no breakfast in bed. We have got to do something about this level of poverty!
I like my women like I like my amulets: cursed
1st date:
(don’t let her know how self centered you are)Me: what’s your favorite thing that I’ve said so far tonight?
To everyone who mocked me for keeping my old maternity pants for so long … who’s laughing now
Don’t tell me about your wild weekend. My TV remote died and I switched the batteries around, and now it’s working.
“Umm, what are you doing? Can you not? Seriously, get off me!”
– The first horse ever ridden (probably)
no one explains why witches fly on brooms. like they could’ve gone with any household object but they chose stick. i for one would’ve gone with chair. imagine cackling across a yellow moon in a lazy boy. feet up, black cat on your lap, no splinters. just a chill time.
A group of women all bought their husbands the same shirt and didn’t tell them…🤣
[first rap battle]
me: call me artisanal burger because i’m falling apart
opponent: please stop crying