*uses blood from wounds to write my killer’s name on the floor*
I…will be…avenged. NO! BAD DOG! DON’T LICK THAT! DADDY NEEDS JUSTICE!
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[therapy]
DOC: A fear of clowns is not that uncommon
ME: No, a fear of clones
DOC: Oh…that seems irrational
OTHER ME: That’s what I said
[seeing an angel, appearing to be a glorious half-bird, half-human being]
me: *very hesitantly throwing bread at it*
The size of the gates in Jurassic Park suggests they were always planning on letting the dinosaurs out.
the first optimist who ever lived was the one who decided to open a coconut not knowing what was inside
There are only six months between Christmas and Easter which means Jesus was some kind of prodigy “super baby”. Most people don’t consider how much he accomplished in his short lifetime.
As the rain pelts down on the window I am simultaneously happy I don’t have to go water the garden and pissed because I just washed the car.
My son told me there’s a wee boy who comes into his room at night & plays with him.
A shiver ran down my spine, then I remembered I have another son & it’s probably him
So this dude was installing adhesive for the carpet to go on and….he didn’t plan this very well. Lol
[on a first date]
Her: Have you ate here before?
Me: Yeah, my wife and I come here all the time
FAMILY MEETING!
And, just like that, dad had the whole house to himself…
The Canadian authorities should bring in Billy Joel for questioning.
The angel on my shoulder says I should be doing more with my life.
Wait, no, that’s just my mom talking. I forgot I left my phone there.
If your kid texts you questions about the price of replacing any household item, you will be replacing said item.
Stuffs more popcorn in my face*
Why don’t bad guys in movies just paint the red wire green?
<–Goes to gym 3 times a week… Cannot separate two shopping carts stuck together at grocery store.
me: I’ve got a date tonight and I need all the help I can get
barber: ok
[later]
her: you look nicebarber, from under the table: tell her she looks nice too
When someone has coordinates in their bio, I feel the need to alert their local police, to counter all the psychos en route to murder them.
Pillow fights didn’t last as long in the Stone Age.
If they cancel the Times Square New Year’s Eve Celebration, I feel bad for everyone who misses out on what everyone I know who’s ever been to it describes as one of the worst things they’ve ever experienced.
The real you is what happens when you walk into a surprise spider web.
If a tree falls in the woods it should break into a light jog so it looks like it did it on purpose.
Cheer up! Your biggest mistake is probably still ahead of you.
I’m not a fan of having things on my wrist but I’d definitely get the Apple iCarceration ankle monitor
my phone:
🍎 APPLE PAY: RECURRING TRANSACTION COMPLETE
$15.35me, smiling serenely, closing my phone: “wonder what that’s for :)”
Dear twitter thank you for telling me it’s not my fault……but wtf
Even though Janice had always wanted an extravagant wedding, she couldn’t help but feel putting toilet paper on the bridal registry was a bit over the top.
ME: I’ve brought you a house-warming present
ESKIMO: You idiot
Ate a healthy dinner, so I’m having pringles for dessert.
My daughter showed me a beautiful handmade wind chime project on Pinterest. I told her, “I don’t know who you think I am right now.”
There’s only a one-letter difference between heroes and herpes so I’m closer to being a role model than you thought.