I only go on LinkedIn to see what my coworkers looked like 15 years ago.
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I can always tell when it’s closer to Christmas. My wife replaces the hand soap with the stuff that smells like gingerbread and I spend a week looking for cookies that haven’t been made yet
[wine and cheese]
HOST: Welcome, can I offer you a glass of wine?
370 RATS IN A TRENCHCOAT: We’ll start with the cheese thanks
He died doing what he loved: almost crossing the street.
There are people who will follow you for your Avi, so either look cute or put a pizza pic.
“Have you seen my thumb ring?”
~ my proctologist
BELLE: Some of the servants aren’t handling the transition from furniture back to human very well.
BEAST: What do you mean?
LUMIÈRE, both hands on fire: Yeah, what do you mean?
I wrote out SOS with M&M’s
Five minutes later
I wrote out SO with peanut M&M’s
That job interview was going so well until I realized I was fucked up on acid in the middle of a cornfield naked and talking to a scarecrow.
During my annual gynecologist visit:
Gyno: I’m going to stick this in. You might feel a little pressure.
Me: *giggling* That’s what he said.
Gyno:
Nurse:
Me: Oh shit! Did I say that out loud?
My welcome mat says, “Oh shit! Not you again!”
I saw a group of kids trying to put another kid into a dumpster. I had to step in, they couldn’t even lift him. We high-fived & laughed.
Practice self-care like Medusa, take care of your hair & turn everyone who has wronged you into stone.
Before I play it, I hold the needle from the record and whisper 3..2..1.
It’s the vinyl countdown.
Squirrel Thoughts
They’re just poppy seeds Kevin I don’t need an intervention.
Hitchhikers won’t kill you if you kill them first.
If you see a dog by itself, check it’s collar, it might be lost
If you see two dogs by themselves, leave them alone, they’re on a date.
I didn’t buy any junk food when I last left my house, March 19th…I am intensely regretting that decision.
Whoever gets the gift from me that has scissors under the wrapping paper, I’m going to need those back.
Her: Describe your ideal date.
Me: I’d order an extra large pizza.
Her: Interesting. What would I be wearing?
Me: Oh, you’d be there, too?
The problem with studying ancient Chinese art is I want some Mexican art a half an hour later.
I had day surgery today (nothing big) and they were like “don’t make any important decisions in the next 24 hours bc you might not remember them.” But I had to go grocery shopping. Later Morgan was like “you bought … so much, like a lot, of cheese.”
Grocery shopping in 2004: Clip coupons out of Sunday newspaper to use at checkout.
Grocery shopping in 2024: Clip digital coupons, download the app, scan QR code, enter rewards member number, password and the FBI nuclear launch codes at self-checkout to save 50 cents on bananas.
GUY WHO JUST LOVES SHARKS: Can I pet the sharks?
SHARK HANDLER (who sometimes makes bad decisions): Yeah that should be ok
I’m for traditional marriage, mostly because I want to know how many goats I’m worth.
8: mom do you have ANY idea how rare circles are in minecraft?
me: no but i have a bad feeling you’re about to spend a really long time telling me
Apparently telling the cop during my sobriety test, it’s not how many times you fall, but how many times you get up was not the best answer.
Customer: where might I find chicken livers?
Me: on the inside
– Adele’s baby starts to cry
– Adele sings the baby a lullaby
– baby cries more, but now for different reasons
When there were bear prints in the sand that was bear jesus chasing you
imagine if towels weren’t invented, you’d get out of the shower and just, like… wait