[Talking to a giant banana] “Is that a human being in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?”
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Sometimes my dreams are so realistic that I have to talk myself out of them. Today it was, “you can’t try out for the baseball team, you’re 36.”
The workers will arrive to install something in the kitchen. Let that sink in.
CO-WORKER: Ten minutes until quitting time!
ME: Wow, you’re resigning too?
Walking into WalMart with my kids, “Remember, kids – use your Target voices.”
Daughter: Daddy, why do I have to go to bed so early?
Me: Because we have had enough of you for today
Quit coffee and now I’m like one of those fish at the bottom of the ocean that use antennae to find their way through the dark.
the fossil record doesn’t preserve skin so there’s no proof dinosaurs didn’t have tattoos
Why is no one talking about how hamsters taste NOTHING like ham?!
Him: “What should I pick up for the storm?”
Me: “Nachos.”
“I meant essentials. We could be stranded.”
“Ohhhhhh. Then nachos AND vodka.”
If the human race has a “signature move,” its gotta be lying to the dentist about flossing.
[at a chemistry convention]
Him: “You’re so-dium cute, but are you always this salty?”
Me: “Na, not always. Just periodically.”
SURVIVOR: Hey, we wrote this 4 hour song explaining the entire anatomy of tigers!
PRODUCER: You can sing about ONE tiger body part:
SURVIVOR: *Sadly* Eye, I guess.
My mother-in-law threatened me the other day and when I say threatened, I mean she told me that she was going to live until she was 100 years old
“Morning guys”
“HOLY SHIT IT’S SUPERMAN!”
– Clark Kent’s first day at work wearing contact lenses
OKAY IF YOU CANNOT HAVE CAKE AND EAT IT TOO WHAT EXACTLY IS THE PURPOSE OF CAKE
When I get sad, I just think about the vast Universe and the fact that I’m stuck on this rock with a bunch of idiots. Then I get sadder.
Spring allergies- because my body likes to panic about plant sex
absolutely crushed dolphin wordle
Him- I saw you over here sipping your wine.
Me- You clearly have me mistaken for another very attractive woman, because I don’t sip wine.
Maggi is the girlfriend of the food world. It says 2 minutes but never gets ready in less than 20 minutes.
[High school reunion]
Hey guys! Remember me!?
“No”
How about now? *puts an entire toilet on my head*
(in unison) CHRIS!
wife: im pregnant
me: what? im not ready to be a mother we still have petty arguments
wife: im the mother
me: this is what I’m talking about
Interviewer: Are you a natural leader?
Me: *steps out of his office* Sweet Caroline…
Everyone: BOM BOM BOM
Interviewer: Damn you’re good.
“You say you like intelligent men? Then look no further! Line forms to the….”
*Checks soles of both my shoes*
“….left, ladies.”
If Jesus appears to you, ask him to bevel cut a jack rafter onto a door header. If he doesn’t know what you mean, that’s an imposter Jesus.
Therapist: How are you feeling
Me: I think I’ve finally gotten over my agoraphobia. I’m ready to go outside and get on with my life 🙂
Therapist: Ok you’re not gonna believe this
My dog chewed up my favorite pillow so as punishment I asked the mailman to piss in our yard and made my dog watch helplessly through the window
If Disney did a film about a pet rock, they’d still find a way to kill off one of the parents.
I swear i’m surrounded by idiots… no one even understood me when i said “to all intense and porpoises.”