I hate it when people tell me to “stay in your lane!” Granted i’m drunk at the bowling alley, but it’s still uncalled for.
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If you take a social media break don’t announce it. Just make your last post something fun like “I wonder what would happen if I jumped this fence and try to pet these cute tigers at this zoo?”
I never wanted to be a member of the Addams Family for Halloween because my fingers would be raw from snapping them the whole night.
*me on my deathbed* here, I want you to have my basket of cords.
umbrellas are great if you only wanna get wet sideways.
Trying to describe I want it rough in bed: “Koolaid Man my cervix.”
Me, yelling over the panic: IT’S OK EVERYONE I LISTENED INTENTLY TO THE SAFETY BRIEFING THE EXITS ARE OVER HERE
*audible sigh of relief from all the passengers as the plane is going down*
Potty training the baby is backfiring. Now she waits by the door when I use the bathroom and as soon as she hears the toilet flush, she yells, “Good girl!!”
You know those medieval paintings where the artist has never seen an elephant, but they DID read a description of them and they’re certain they got the gist of it? Anyway,
Dad, to brother: You’re married now. You’re officially an adult.
Dad, to sister: You’re a mother now. You’re imbued with an imparted wisdom that no other could fathom.
Dad, to me: You eat any good nachos lately?
Every time I delete a selfie, I imagine the sound of a Gremlin being burned alive by the sunlight.
First day as a 911 operator:
“whoa, whoa, stop yelling. You called ME, remember?”
Sometimes having a dog is like watching a toddler –
Hi girl! Why are you sticky? Actually never mind, I don’t wanna know *grabs shampoo*
I would never cheat in a relationship
because that would require two people finding me attractive.
Such a double standard between men & women, like when men have sex with lots of women they’re “players,” but when I do it I’m a “lesbian.”
I’m really hungry, so I’m going to eat an apple and promote myself to starving.
My twins’ pre school taught them both how to sing Baby Shark in French so I’m just checking do I sue for double the amount or…
Me trying to match all my Tupperware with the correct lids is how I imagine it was for the prince trying to find Cinderella by making every woman in the land try on a shoe.
But with a hell of a lot more swearing.
I’ll play duck-duck-goose and give all gooses. I don’t give a duck.
I was just interrogated by my 7yo who, frankly, was SHOCKED to discover her dad is my first and only husband and I don’t want to know what that says about me
Asked my son if he wanted to watch Netflix and he said he’d already seen it
person walking by my house:
my dog: I’ve killed people for less
Found out Ludacris married a girl I went to high school with and it really made me rethink some things. Can’t help but feel like if I had played my cards right maybe Ludacris would have married me
Tie a scarf around your doorknob so Amazon knows your Husband is home and to come back later.
It’s hard to tweet and change the baby’s diaper at the same time.
I probably should have waited until I got to a red light.
I had a cat and a Beta fish once. Then I left my apartment for a minute. After that I had a cat.
Senior sext: CAN YOU READ ME NOW?
Whatever, low battery indicator. You’re not the boss of
A Match(.com), but for socks.
Prince: Rapunzel, let down your hair.
Rapunzel: Hair, you’ll never be beautiful, you’ll always have split ends.
*hair is super let down*
The hardest part of having multiple kids is explaining why only your first child has a baby book.