Need to get rid of an annoying guest or person on the phone? Take a kazoo to the speaker and blow it directly into their ear.
You’re welcome.
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I’ll never have the opportunity to Say Yes to the Dress, but I’ll Say Yes to the Cookie like, three times a day. Minimum.
My kid is gonna make an awesome lawyer, she can already prove me wrong by recalling every single one of my inconsistent parenting precedents
a tiny insect just tried to fly into my eye then immediately died on the bathroom sink, guys I think it saw my brain
COP: pull over
ME: lol no it’s a cardigan
My dogs have learned that whenever they hear the f-word in the kitchen, there’s now food on the floor.
I hate it when I change my profile status to single and the wife changes it back to married
Why was Bezos rocket named Blue Origin and not Shuttlecock?
[Batman’s parents return after 40 years]
Surprise!! Wait, wtf are you wearing?
“I call it orange soda cause it’s orange and soda”
-My 4yo inventing orange soda
Psychic: People say I’m not a real psychic
Therapist: And how does that make you—
Psychic: shower?
Therapist: No
Psychic: potato?
Therapist: No
Psychic: vomit?
Therapist: I think I see the problem
Me: My dad must be rolling in his grave right now.
Friend: Why, do you think he’d be disappointed in you?
Me: No. I had him buried in a cement mixer. It was way cheaper than a casket.
I’m convinced the first ‘Kirsten’ was a typo. Everyone was like, “Yeah, obvious misspelling but she’s pretty cool so whatever,” and now we can’t get rid of ‘em because we let that first one slide
Me: do you love me?
Siri: I’m only your assistance.
Me: if you don’t, I will jump off a bridge.
Siri:there are two bridges near you.
Anyone interested in a 4 year old whose new hobby is wall art? Porch pickup only.
If Rocky 4 couldn’t improve Russia and US relations then nothing will
I don’t date men unless they have tentacles. It’s called having standards.
It’s rude to say “don’t mention it” when someone thanks you for a favour, instead say “tell no one of this” in a low but urgent voice.
me: sorry i couldn’t stay longer
friend: no that was long enough
Me: I’m feeling short of breath.
Her: Maybe it’s because you just climbed the stairs after eating an entire party-sized bag of chips?
Me: *rolls eyes* I didn’t put the chips in my lungs, Brenda.
Me: Excuse me waiter, my fish is ice cold
Waiter [who is a penguin]: *eats the fish*
Regrettable life choices: not learning how to syphon gas
interviewer: ur biggest weakness?
me: i hate working
Please do not compare your dog problems to parenting. Your dog cannot say your name 3,258 times in a day.
I love my sister now but when we were young I would have traded her for a bag of chips and a soda
Agreeing to pick a friend up from the airport is nice until that time comes and you start thinking about if you really even need that person in your life anymore.
Him: Did you wash your hands?
Child (10): No, he didn’t.
Child (8): YOU DON’T KNOW MY LIFE!
Never tell someone that it would work out if “only they lived closer”. Crazy can change zip codes faster than you can change your identity.
Her: What’s your fantasy?
Me: It involves peanut butter…
Her: Mmmm. Where would you like me to put it?
Me: *hands her bread*
scared to check what name she chose
I’m at my most vulnerable when I’m trying to spell Chrysanthemum