Cop: SHOW ME YOUR HANDS!
Me: *puts hands out*
Cop: wait… are you the hand model for Rolex?
Me: *blushing* guilty
Cop [winking aggressively]: Uh oh someone’s gonna have to serve some TIME
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My IUD provides me with 99% birth control effectiveness, but my husband’s dirty socks on the floor comes in at an impressive 100%.
When I tell prospective employers that I’m open to new challenges what I mean is I will immediately find ways to hide in plain sight, arrive late and leave early.
Parents waiting for election results like “This is nothing. I’ve waited for my kid to finish telling me about a dream they had.”
him, leaving for work: we still need to talk about your soap opera addiction
me: *walks away and stares out the window as the rain starts to fall* just go
my dad can break into almost any car using a frozen chimichanga
date: “your chances of dying are lower on a roller coaster than a horse”
me: “no way”
date: “true story”
me: “i’ve never even seen a horse on a roller coaster”
“What did you make milk out of today?” [Overheard in the library]
How about a meat that is also a dental floss? – Pitch for prosciutto
Hubs said we should only drink one night a week…. But he didn’t say anything about the day 😜 #sundayfunday
It’s not rude to hand visitors a timer when they show up, right??
In the future:
“So Zionists tried to take a people’s home and said god gave it to them.”
“So what happened?”
“Apparently god disagreed.”
[Dorothy, years after Oz, recounting her adventures to her grandchildren]
DOROTHY: *Smiles warmly* When I was your age, I murdered a woman and stole her shoes.
*pours one out for my dad on Father’s Day*
*my dad’s ghost yells at me for wasting good vodka*
“Daddy, I-”
*presses button for soundproof backseat divider
Wife: “HOW MUCH DID-”
*presses button for soundproof passenger seat divider
[creation]
GOD: Gather round creatures & I’ll tell you what you’ll eat
ANTEATER: I’m SO excited!
DUNG BEETLE: I got a bad feeling about this
One day your kids will come home from school and ask why you spelled their name wrong.
Every homemade dinner counts as negative calories because of the exercise we get waving pillows at the smoke detectors.
the fire alarm is to warn the fire that the fire department is coming
My 9yo just made a “protein shake” out of milk, cookies and ice cream.
I’m making him my new nutritionist.
More people would get the booster if it came with fries.
“Let’s see what the internet says, shall we?”
-my kids, fact checking me
Tbh I don’t even wanna know what they did
Actual voice mail:
“Molly, this is your mother. I just texted you but I don’t know how to make the facey-things so…happy face at the end.”
That blue kool-aid that barbers keep their combs in tastes funny.
A lady was spanking her kid for being a total brat in the grocery store so I had to step in and ask her if she needed me to hold her purse.
Me: Hey, do you want to go buy some-
Wife: YES!
He is ready
#meowed #TheMeowedClub
Me: Necessity is the mother of Invention
Necessity (my wife): I still can’t believe I let you talk me into naming her that
Invention: *crying*
My Sherpa girlfriend is too high-mountainance.
Humans share 70% of our DNA with zebrafish. So when you’re having difficulty getting anything done, it’s usually because a zebrafish is using the DNA.