My sister teaches 1st grade. A boy in her class had a tantrum and screamed “I hate you!” and she gently replied “I know. It doesn’t matter.”
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For Mother’s Day, I told my teens, I’m going to reenact every detail of each of your births.
Kids these days can’t do shit without #Google. When I was a kid I didn’t have Google. So, I pretty much couldn’t do shit.
Damn girl are you the sun because you need to stay 92,960,000 miles away from me.
Gonna name our dog Sock so I can say “Come, Sock” over and over again at the dog park
ME: I have good news & bad news
WIFE: Bad news first
ME: The baby giraffe broke the TV
WIFE: We don’t have a-
ME: Aaaaand now the good news
The opposite of a meat lover’s pizza is a veggie hater’s pizza, which is weirdly THE SAME THING.
My kids baked a cake and now I have to eat it all tonight because it’d be unhealthy for them to eat it for breakfast tomorrow
friend: you have to stop envying every single person you know when they find success in something you haven’t. it’s destroying your mental health and poisoning your relationships with your friends.
me: (immediately envious of their maturity and clarity of thought) right. totally
“I want frog legs.”
-Fancy restaurant order or the coolest plastic surgery request ever
MOB BOSS: It has come to my attention that within this very room, we have a SNITCH
HARRY POTTER: Oh hell yeah I’ll get it
I like that the same two questions are still unanswered from my childhood.. what’s the meaning of life? And can you tell me how to get to Sesame Street?
My husband wants a fourth child. I hope his new wife will be good to my three.
Me: A psychiatrist? That’s silly. There’s no such thing as “too obsessed with bagels.”
Her: Says who?
Me: Sesame
my favorite coworker in meetings:
2019: whoever brings snacks
2020: whoever offers to take notes
2021: whoever cancels the meeting
My 3yo’s bedtime stories include: “Three-Hour Run-On Sentence,” followed by, “Ask For a Drink 500 Times,” and finally, “You Skipped a Page.”
If Reese’s eggs are buy one get one free, there are 0 calories associated with the free one. Live free my friends.
Me: *overthinking a million different scenarios
*one of those scenarios turns out to be true
Me: I KNEW IT!
I put my shirt on like everyone else. How I get my pants on, however, involves a spatula and 8 monkeys with Navy SEAL-like precision.
I bought a new scale today.
Can’t wait to get home and throw it out the window.
There’s no “i” in team. Unless you’re illiterate. Then there’s an “i” in everything. More creim in mi cofii pleis
It’s Friday after 2, setting automatic replies in outlook to just say “Chimichanga” with no further explanation.
married sext…
him: I’ll be home soon
her: don’t you threaten me
What happens when you wear flowy sleeves? They get caught on every doorknob you walk past.
*takes cat from pocket of doctor’s coat & holds it over patient*
He has finished his scan. He says he doesn’t like you & you have cancer.
[first date]
Her: I like my steak rare
Him: *trying to impress* I’ll order for both of us. 2 panda fillets please.
I noticed you were watching as I struggled to find my mouth with my straw. Glad we could share that moment.
My dog barked at the thunder & as a joke I barked a gentle “woof” back & he looked startled. Now I’m worried about what I said to him.
Policeman: Name please
Iggy Pop: Iggy Pop
Policeman: Your FULL name
Iggy Pop: (Quietly) Ignatius Poppadom
I never understood why a set of false teeth is called “dentures”.
They really missed an opportunity to call it “substitooths”.
My toddler woke up, saw her shadow, and predicted 6 hours of anarchy.