my kid used my Netflix profile so now my “continue watching” thread is Murder, Murder, Cocomelon, Murder, Murder, Baking
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Movember is over, so this week anyone looking like a pedophile is actually a pedophile.
I just looked over at my new shoes and the box says “vegan”. I’ve never had to feed my other shoes before
Every once in a while someone really special walks into your life. That person is usually delivering a pizza
There are plenty of fish in the sea.
There are also sharks, giant isopods, oil spills, Flight 370, and Somali pirates.
my favorite part about gambling is if you lose money you can just bet again and double the stakes and win your money back! it’s called strategy
drake: twenni one, can you do something for meee
21 savage emerging from his pokeball: twenty one
Explaining to the plumber that it’s a ziplock bag of my birthday cake I forgot I hid in the toilet tank, and also please don’t tell the kids about this spot.
Me: It’s a hat store, but on the blonkchain
*Investor hands me $30 million*
Investor: Wait … did you say “blonkchain”?
Me: *runs*
Boss: I don’t want to be disturbed today.
Me: I don’t want to be disturbed either yet here we are.
I’ve updated my will…
“Being of sound mind, I spent it all.”
“I’m sorry but it’s only 7 items or less in the dressing rooms”
[octopus glove shopping] “this is unacceptable”
My 5/o just said “That’s Classic!!” WTF is classic to a 5 y/o? Blues Clues??
The Hello Kitty stickers on your woodchipper suggest that you’re whimsically murdery.
Miss 9 trips over something and bangs her jaw on the bed.
Ohh no, how come you’re so clumsy I ask just as I bump my own head on a door frame.
Fake nerd girl: I love Star Wars! I’m a big fan!
True fan: Oh yeah? Harass five cast members. I’ll wait
me: I think my blood’s haunted
doctor: what
me: I think it might be full of hemogoblins
me to my boyfriend: hey hey you you i don’t like your girlfriend
Social media is great. Before Facebook I’d never know what the girl who wrote “dirty Jew” on my 8th grade locker was thankful for this year.
83% of white folks stressing about their court dates are referring to tennis.
one time my grandma told me about a secret menu at burger king that involved a police escort to a second burger king
Throwing burgers around furniture because I have a hunch that termites only eat wood because they have not tried anything tastier.
him: how long for a table
me: they’re about 5 ft across
him: no the wait
me: about 78 lbs
what all these pyramids be scheming about?
daughter: dad I can count to 100 want to hear?
me: absolutely
daughter: ok *deep breath* I’m going to do it in my head. I’ll let you know when I’m done
me [sliding my therapist 20$]: so what’s my problem, doctor?
therapist [loudly]: you’re just too good at sex, unbelievably good
hot ikea salesman: ok firstly you can’t do this here, secondly what
A group of crows is called a murder. A group of people walking slowly in front of me at the store is called a motive.
Cop: *Hands me ticket
“I’ll see you in court.”Me: *Seductively winks
“Sure is a lot of trouble just to see me again.”Cop: …
Strudel me like one of your toaster girls
Me: so I’m delusional?
Doctor: yes.
Me: and you’re a delusion?
Doctor: yes.
Me: I want a second opinion.
Pink Dragon: you’re delusional.
Someone rang my doorbell today and I’ve never Stopped, Dropped, and Rolled under my couch faster.