So what do you do for a living?
“I’m in the Secret Service”
Wow, you didn’t keep that secret too well did you
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Me: Okay… Time for bed.
Brain: Cool.
Me:
Brain:
Me:
Brain: If you had a pterodactyl, would you name him Terry… or Perry??
[Sees restaurant is packed]
*Pays hostess $20 to read note*“Attn patrons there is a vintage yard sale across the street”
*Hipsters clear*
[driving to occult ceremony]
“I’m just gonna have one sacred elixir”
[2 hours later]
[floating in midair chugging straight from the ram’s skull] BEQUEATH ME ANOTHER
I never learned to swim because I didn’t think it would ever be more than an hour since I last ate
Whatever, I’ve been in better hostage situations than this
That curb was easily going 30 mph when it hit my car.
You aren’t a real Metallica fan unless you hate all but 2 of their albums
Kids talking at bedtime are like the marketing emails which you’ve unsubscribed to multiple times
REAL LIFE JUNGLE BOOK
Chapter 1, Page 1:So Mowgli gets straight up eaten, like, right the heck away.
[Life Pro Tips]
when considering crime, avoid anything that could add the prefix “international” to charges
this will hang in the louvre one day
Life is short. If you have a crush on someone, walk right up to them then a little past them and just keep going it’s probably not worth it
SO SPEAKETH THE OUIJA BOARD, “N E W N U M B E R W H O I S T H I S”
Just heard a dad threaten to spank his screaming son “in front of the world.” Stand your ground, kid. There’s no way he has that technology.
My little old fish didn’t move around in her bowl all day. i thought she was dead but it turns out she was just going through minnow pause.
In 2009, Stephen Hawking hosted an open party for everyone, but only publicized it after it was over; so only time-travelers would know to attend.
As he expected, no one came.
[at a dinner party]
Me: I saw a UFO once
Wife: It was a frisbee
Me: At the park
Wife: Frisbee
Me: I took a pic
Wife: Of a frisbee in the air
Me: *shows pic*
Friend: Looks like a…
Wife: Frisbee
[sees old lady drop $20]
Devil on Shoulder: Grab her cash!
Devil on other Shoulder: And push her over!
SON: Daddy, I keep hearing noises from my closet. I think a monster’s in there.
ME: Yeah, why do you think mom and I chose the other room?
9-year-old: No one can read my diary.
Me: I’ll keep your sisters away from it.
9: No, I mean no one can read it. My handwriting is bad.
I was pretty high last night & I was like wouldn’t it be cool if there was a tiny little grocery store in everybody’s home, like a personalized little convenience store for one, and then I realized that I was literally just describing the experience of walking into ur own kitchen
2008: Busy, trying to balance work and home life.
2018: Busy watching a video of a lemon rolling down the street.
The average parent spends roughly 2.7 years of their life picking up crayons from under restaurant tables.
Mom: If your friends all jumped off a bridge, would you…
Me: Be the one holding all their phones? Yeah, probably.
The horror and trauma of explaining homosexuality to a child, as told by an internet mom.
sry
February
20°
NW OhioIn a 2 acre parking lot, a bird manages to find my windshield.
me: I saw our neighbor walking his dog at 6 AM and he looked so unhappy
wife: maybe the two are related?
me: no, I think they’re just good friends
Thanks for always acting surprised by breakfast in bed like you slept right through the great pots and pans avalanche of 6:45 AM.
Sure a sense of humor is important but marry you somebody who knows plumbing bc that’s forever.