If dogs take after their owners, I need to work on my posture.
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[documentary on bees]
“the reason why we’re filming the bees twenty miles away using the world’s longest super zoom camera is because of the bees”
GOD: A snake that is also a cat lol
ANGEL: What
GOD: Cat snake lmao
love can touch us one time and last for a lifetime
*herpes
interviewer: why do u want this job
me: i’m passionate about being able to pay my rent
Well, at least tomorrow is Friday.
-Me having a bad Wednesday that’s about to get even worse.
This may be racist but whenever I have a test in class I try to get a seat next to a dolphin because they are usually really smart.
My girlfriend said she bought the lingerie for me, but then got upset when I put it on… I dont get women.
[God creating bees]
GOD: make some of them fuzzy
ANGEL: thats good
G: make them sting
A: okay
G: and let’s give them teeth!
A: too far
alien graffiti can be pretty hurtful 😔
First day of our road trip going well. My husband made an itinerary showing the first scheduled stop at a Love’s gas station 275 miles away. What my husband forgot: I have physically birthed 4 children.
Nicholas Cage was only good in FaceOff because he was played by John Travolta.
ACQUAINTANCE: read any good books lately?
ME: yeah, I just finished “How to Make Friends and Hypnotize People”
ACQUAINTANCE: I think it’s “Influence People”
ME: *swinging watch* no it’s not
FRIEND: you’re right buddy, it’s not
Most days I wish I were an octopus so I could slap 8 people at once.
I don’t know what to say to a woman when she is angry, but it’s definitely not, “Whatever, Pippi Wrongstocking.”
LADY: this spaghetti is a little overdone
SERVER: you’re a DOG
People often say things in the heat of anger that in hindsight they regret not accompanying with a punch in the face.
nurse: *hands me a urine specimen cup* the bathroom’s over there
[later]
nurse: it’s empty
me: i didn’t need it, there was a toilet
Well, son, back in my day, we didn’t have a fancy robot to turn the tv on for us. We only had a boomerang.
Son: Mom, can I sleep with you? I’m scared.
Me: No, I can’t risk the monster following you into my room and killing me.
[Sperm Bank]
DOCTOR (to the Nurse): Get a load of this guy
idea for a movie:
a bear who is a parent
captures a psychotherapist
to cook as dinner for the cubs
and the movie is called
(and i’m very very sorry)
“kids, i honeyed the shrink”
@isabelzawtun @UncleDuke1969 I had a customer tell me that wanted 50% off an item because of a sign. The sign clearly stated which product was 50% off, which I pointed out. Her response was “what If I couldn’t read?”
I literally had to just walk away.
Me: did you throw these rocks in my pool?
3yr old son: nope. Maybe they fell out of a rock tree.
Me: ok.
I tell my kids that thunder means God is shouting; rain means God is crying; and lightning means God is killing Luke Skywalker.
me: okay, thank you!
boss: thank you more!
me, whispering: we can’t do this, you have a family.
boss: what
me: what
5 year old niece to me: What do you want to be when you grow up?
Me: Let’s not rush things, OK?
10 just said the 6 words every parent dreads hearing:
‘I need to practice my recorder’
Theres a dating website for people that believe the government is ran by lizard people so I really have no excuse for being single
I hope the zombies start with people that talk to me when I’m obviously counting.