Pregnancy tests make me wish peeing on things answered more questions.
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There’s a jar of candy on my kitchen counter and I only ate 32 pieces.
Shower me with praise for my ironclad willpower.
*finds sheet of bubble wrap in drawer*
Hmm…
*presses intercom button*
Janet? Cancel my appointments today. Something important just came up.
Yet the one time I did, I got banned
Facebook: Nothing is private
Twitter: Everything is privates
Her: I’ll sleep with you when pigs fly
Me: points to police helicopter*
If I say “Good point. Thank you.” to your inane, mind-numbing reply, I’ve already hired a hitman who can’t be traced back to myself.
Only during a hurricane can you purchase a tarp, rope, duct tape and a shovel and no one questioned your motives.
You should be able to make your GPS call you a code name.
“Bobcat, in 3.1 miles turn left”
“Recalculating, Bobcat, you’re going rogue.”
[calling my ex]
me: hey so I really hate how I left things with you
her: aww me too babe
me: so… yeah… can I come pick them up?
My husband and 4yo are playing with the doctor kit and toy dinosaurs. My husband named the dino doctor The Dinocologist.
We were definitely meant for each other.
Me: Now that you’re in kindergarten, you’re going work on being a good citizen to your classmates. Do you know what that means?
My 5YO: Yeah like don’t swear at them and don’t punch them.
Me: … yeah, pretty much
Baby elephants migrate hundreds of miles to find water. My 6 year old is lying on the floor of the mall because I made him walk from the car
Every Crock-Pot recipe:
– throw in anything you have left in the house
– cook three to eleven hours.
Why did the chicken go to the gym?
To work on his pecks.
so mom just interrupted my Zoom standup set to ask me to carry her martini to her bedroom because it was too heavy.
Technically, the people tied to the tracks are the ones having the trolley problem
I get a cool lever
My life is like that Rihanna song :work, work and work, and then I don’t understand anything else.
I only have eyes for you. I got them from the morgue. I’ll probably get arrested.
In the last day I’ve seen people across different nations and ideologies united by hatred of The Big Bang Theory. It’s a beautiful thing.
a lot of people think Rob is short for Robert, but it’s actually short for ‘Burglary’
*National Spelling Bee Final
– Spell cyclops.
– Use in a sentence.
– Cyclops have one eye.
*winks at audience
– C-E-Y-E-C-L-O-P-S.
I put too much ketchup on my plate, so obviously I have to get more French fries. Balance must be achieved.
Sister: “Family shot time”
Me: “Whooo Hoooo….drink drink drink drink!”
Sister: [holds up camera]
“I want to take a picture”Me: oh
My glasses are dirty but I don’t want to move from the couch so I guess TV’s blurry from now on
Wife: *points to 2-year-old* Her shoes are on the wrong feet.
Me: That’s what happens when she puts them on herself.
Wife: I watched you dress her.
Me: You’re so selfish!
Her: I’m selfless! I spent the last 4 weekends giving back to my community.
Me: Oh Please, that was court-ordered..
Motivational Speaker: “There’s a Lion In Everybody!!”
The Lion In Me:
[lunch date]
“I’ll have a salad.”
Narrator: Ursula then returns home and eats Fritos, Cool Whip and what appears to be leftover meatloaf.
Hear me out, a tattoo that beeps every time you are about to do something you will regret.
Internet speeds are expected to slow Christmas morning when all the children open gifs from Santa