Me: I CAN’T BREATHE
EMT: *checks my pulse*
Me: I’M GONNA DIE
EMT: What happened?
Yoga instructor: He was putting his shoes on
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The awkward part of having the 10 Commandments displayed in US courthouses is realizing that 8 of them are pretty much legal here.
[shooting a bow & arrow in the library] i’m allowed to do this because it’s quiet
Batman Begins Twerking #AddaWordRuinaMovie
[Scientific Conference]
Scientist 1: So science?
Scientist 2: *nodding* Science.
I think my mom just blocked me
I love wikipedia
waiter: would u like a baked potato, mashed potatoes, or fries with that
me: yes
ME: i want the ad to say “for sale: baby shoes, never worn”
AD GUY: oh wow that’s so sad
ME: totally. they’re so cute but my feet were just too big
Why is “goodnight” one word, but “good morning” a lie?
interviewer: how did u hear about us
me: *sweating* w-with my ears
Police: How are you feeling?
Me: I’m fine.
*polygraph explodes*
Please take your Apple Watch off if you are wearing a dress or formal attire. You look like a spy kid
I cleared the leaves out of my flower bed because I practice good floral hygiene.
Therapy: Expensive
saying “ew” out loud to anything or anyone that opposes you: Free
Me, at food counter: Those bacon burger sliders look delicious, 3 please .
Her: Sir, those are calves and piglets & this is a petting zoo!
*travels back in time to kill Hitler as a baby* *becomes known as time-traveling baby murderer & history’s greatest monster*
My neighbours are so judgemental about me working from home. Mostly because I use their home.
they advertised mcmuffins for only a buck
“they arent wearing seatbelts” – my mom watching a car chase scene in any action movie
It is all a lie. Folding laundry does NOT get you laid. I do mine all the time and yet there is not a knock at my door…
Dog started snarling and barking at me, he was mad as hell because I wouldn’t share his pupperoni.
Reasons my 4yr old is crying:
She lost her very favorite book but she doesn’t remember the title or what it’s about.
Eggs are a healthy breakfast, which is why I don’t feel guilty eating cage free Reese’s ones.
People are like, “You’re not allowed to have a favorite child.” Blah, blah, blah.
And I’m like, “BUT YOU SHOULD SEE THIS KID SHOVEL SNOW!”
Someone had to say it 🤷♂️
Mugger: give me everything you got
Spice Girls: Oh tell me what you want what you really really want
Mugger: ok nevermind
Guy jogging pushing stroller for two kids. But only one there. Don’t think he knows he lost one.
I have 2 speeds- the slow southern girl sashay and the is that the ice cream truck outside?
if i wanted to read your mind, i’d use an axe.
If I ever go missing, put up fliers saying I left a dog in a hot car so people will actually look for me.