If anyone is thinking of fighting me, just know I cook bacon topless.
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*goes to hell
Me: I hear there are special places
Satan: No, they’re all the same!
Me: (showing him a crisp $10 bill) How about now?
SEA LION 1: “More like shark *weak* amirite?”
SEA LION 2: “Hahaha”
SHARK: “Hey guys, what ya watching?”
[Sea lions jump onto ceiling fan]
I’m beginning to think the dark circles that appeared under my eyes in 2008 may not go away.
Every newscast:
“This horrible tragedy occurred in this part of the world. In other news, this irrelevant celebrity did this inane thing.
“This just in..”
My foot to my mouth.
[cutting through Brazilian jungle]
*finds indigenous village*
Hi, I’m a Prime member.
I’d like to complain that my shipping took three days.
*learning CPR*
CPR dummy: I have a boyfriend.
I mowed the neighbor’s lawn today. He told me he loved me. “In a purely platonic way.” I told him he was the non-alcoholic grandfather I never had.
The biggest takeaway from listening to hundreds of podcasts is if you’re rich enough, you can get away with murder.
ME: Sorry I’m late, I had computer problems.
BOSS: Hard drive?
ME: Nah, there was no traffic, just the computer problems.
[the next jurassic park movie]
ATTENDANT: Oh no the dinosaurs have escaped again!
ME: Why do people keep coming here…?
My husband may be winning this argument but little does he know I’m about to bring up something he said 10 years that has absolutely no relevance to what we’re arguing about.
A pasta maker is just a Play-doh toy for adults.
An air mattress is the best way to tell your houseguests not to stay too long.
*sees a newborn baby*
One day, someone will write mean things about you on the Internet
100% sure whoever named the sea lion never saw a land lion
Welcome to adulthood. Every time you login now, it’s a game of “Will I get into my account the first time” or “Will I be spending the rest of my life sitting here resetting my password forever.”
I’ve been cutting my own hair for eight years. I didn’t expect it to take this long. I’ve missed out on so much.
I answer with an automatic “Yes” each time my mom says “Oh, have I told you…?” I could miss out on something good but chances are slim.
HEY JALAPENOS!
Me doing the macarena dance
Waiting for the Charmin
children: Are those Giant spiders going to eat us?
Dumbledore: Check out this toast that butters itself!
Some say Obama is the biggest liar of all time..
I say, the person who chose the spelling of, “Colonel” is the biggest liar of all time
MATH TEACHER: what is half of thirty
ME: thi
Left work, txted wife “Coming homo.” Then I txted her “Haha whoops, I meant BEcoming homo.”
Sorry I licked my fingers before shaking your hand when we met, but I had Cheetos dust on them and I didn’t want to seem gross.
5 just handed me the household nunchucks and said, “here, you’re in charge now.”
If you’re not suppose to eat late at night, then why is there a light in the refrigerator?!
i don’t always carry my groceries on one arm but when i do my keys are in the wrong pocket
I once lip locked the soft ice dispenser at Dairy Queen until the manager had to hit me with a mop. So I know a little bit about rejection.