in hindsight, grumbling about my mother having 30 pairs of slippers was ill-timed in coinciding with the arrival of my 12 pairs of Old Navy flip-flops
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respect
Why are people scared of flying?! The Earth is a giant spaceship with no pilots. That’s way scarier.
Wild horses could easily drag me away.
Probably a good sized dog or motivated cat could do the trick.
A big bunch of gerbils, maybe.
Hate when I zone out while someone’s talking to me and they have the nerve to ask me a question like I’m in 5th grade and they’re a teacher.
Me: What do you think of your haircut?
Wife: I need more volume
Me: WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT?
When I’m having a bad day nothing sets me off quite like trying to pull one wipe out of the container and 47 more coming with it
You’re only as old as the sounds you make when you get out of the car
I’ve done 10 sit-ups today, I can’t take much more of this ab use.
My trainer says more push ups, but I can’t find them in my size.
this one has claws
This one swims but can’t fly
This one is huge & runs funny
This one bangs his head against trees
– god making birds
I don’t like to sit down for bad news because I never want to ruin sitting down.
Me: Ohhh, MARITAL arts workshop…now I really feel stupid in this karate outfit.
Wife to therapist: Do you see what I’m dealing with here?
[consoling a friend after a failure] It’s okay, you can’t get it right every time. I mean, maybe some people can, but definitely not you.
I’ve dated a guy who collected stained glass and wore bowling gloves so don’t talk to me about standards.
Strength training is a great form of anger management cause I can’t scream and yell when I have an injured back!
My 6yo just stepped on a spider and thought she killed it, but it got up and scurried away. Her response? “Oh. My. God. It’s Spider Jesus.”
My friend’s company gave harmonica keychains to the kids at the family holiday party because they apparently want their employees to hate being at home more than they hate being at work.
Catch a spark… Set the world on fire!
– Incinerational Tweet
Dragons aren’t evil; they’re just upset that they can’t enjoy Popsicles and other frozen treats.
Kenny told me if he had a time machine he’d go back to 1955 and sleep with Marilyn Monroe as if time was the only thing preventing this from ever happening.
*group chat*
Fellas, I think it’s time. I think I’m finally ready to be a dad.
[Tamagotchi has requested to join the chat]
a funny thing to do is to call someone & say “HI THIS IS BLOCKBUSTER VIDEO YOUR VHS RENTAL OF NEW JACK CITY IS 1,382 DAYS PAST DUE”
It’s amazing how fast the first 30 minutes of work just fly by when you show up a half hour late for work.
Thanks a lot bathroom doors with the gender written in weird symbols. I just want to pee, not solve a sudoku puzzle.
[first date]
ME: Wanna get out of here and *looks around nervously* go to separate places separately?
canceling plans is ok. staying home to cook is ok. disappearing for a bit to get your life together is ok. resurfacing in a foreign country with a new name 10 years later is ok. it’s called self care
A lady in a BMW pulled up to me on my bike to ask if it was hot out, and now my goal is to be so rich I can’t feel weather.
Them: they’re changing Spiderman’s footwear for the next film.
Me: Oh great, another reboot!
[first date]
“so what do you do?”
*thinking about the jar of coins I plan to use for new shrubs* I’m a hedge fund manager
Him: So are you into horseback riding or mountain biking? Me: I usually like to drive myself but sometimes I take uber.