Interviewer: Why should we hire you at the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame?
Geologist in a wheelchair: Isn’t it obvious?
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* My life flashes before my eyes*
Me, a mom: Why did I only see laundry?!
My grandparents had a Radio and had 9 kids; My parents had a TV and had 3 kids; and I have Twitter and I think the family ends here.
Doc Brown: We have to be extra careful not to alter the past or the future!
Also Doc Brown: lmao flying train
I can’t wait to jump on my kids’ beds at 5am on Mother’s Day, and holler “WHAT DID YOU GET ME?!?”
GUY: how’s it going?
ME [scraping the ‘us’ off my Prius]: well it’s not going great, Ron
If your conspiracy theory doesn’t involve cats, don’t bother me.
[making yellowjackets]
Angel: These things don’t really do anything other than sting people
God: We’re running out of college mascots
it kinda makes me laugh when I see old men put “not interested in bots” in their bios on here, as though the bots will read it and are thereby be obligated to respect their boundaries like they did back in the good old bot days of yore
Him: We’re going to the river, I should bring my wallet
Me: No just leave it here, wtf do you need it for?
His friend: She doesn’t want you to be found with any identifiers
The only thing that can stop a bad guy with a hot glue gun is a good guy with a hot glue gun.
Fun idea: Have a magician saw you in half at your funeral. Or not even a magician, just anybody with a big saw.
Watch out for scammers…if you see my profile pic or name asking for money and nudes, that’s not me. I’d only ask for nudes and recipes
I got fired from my job as a diesel
fitter in a panties factory.We would hold the panties up,
inspect them and say “Dese’ll fit her”
Kids are home for two weeks while their school is being cleaned. I want to blame the virus but in reality, Corona is how I wound up with three kids in the first place.
I just bet a hyena £1000 that he couldn’t swim across a river and now he’s laughing all the way to the bank.
Shout out to the top 5 cakes in the world, crab, pan, pound, urinal and let them eat.
It was love at first sight. Then she mentioned she didn’t drink. Thus ended the shortest relationship of my life.
The first rule of Oedipus Club: mum’s the word.
Just finished up some dusting. And by dusting I mean I blew on a shelf and then sneezed 6 times in a row.
They should make fortune cookies with more obtainable fortunes:
You will vacuum the living room.
You will run into the coffee table.
The worst part about getting arrested by a motorcycle cop is having to hug him from behind all the way back to the precinct.
Saw a tempting new kind of ice cream in the case at the grocery store and, for some reason, audibly said “Hi” to it. A lady behind me said “Excuse me?” and I motioned to the glass door in front of me and realized I looked like a parakeet enamored by the strange bird in the mirror
Her: *Looking at furniture we can’t afford*
Me: You know you can’t have that, why do you tease yourself?[A few hours later]
Me: *Watching sportsball on TV*
Me: *Perks up at cheerleader*
Her: *Just raises one eyebrow*
Parenting experts suggest allowing children to try, even if they fail, so they can learn and grow.
But my mother-in-law’s son is 45 and I’m growing impatient.
Don’t forget to get your Valentine’s Day shopping done before Pete Davidson buys everything up.
My husband bought an alien green suv so he wouldn’t have to remember where he parked.
I make sure my husband thinks about me during the workday by packing him a sandwich that also falls apart for no reason.
[Me as a hairdresser]
ME: What do u think of your haircutHER: I need more volume
ME [leans in too close] WHAT DO U THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT
As I’m hiding in the tree completely nude, I can’t help but think maybe dating married women isn’t worth it.
Someone in South Korea accused North Korea of having assassination squads.
That’s a lie.
On an unrelated note, I need that guy’s address.