God: “Adam looks kind of lonely down there. What should I do?”
Frog: “ribbit”
God: “haha, alright man”
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I’m so sick of answering questions about the age difference between my kids, so I’ve started telling people the oldest one came with the house.
Use helium in your air guitar to hit those extra high notes.
Wife: Why can’t you just say phrases correctly?!
Me: Well aren’t you a ray of sunscreen.
Teach your children to beatbox
Them: you smell nice
Me: thanks, it’s the dryer sheet I just found in my sleeve
GOD: I will send you to Earth to be a martyr.
JESUS: What’s a martyr?
GOD: Not much, what’s a martyr with you?
Middle aged happiness is discovering that the next load of laundry to fold is just 8 bath towels and not 46 pieces of small human clothes.
when you can’t remember if your friend’s birthday is yesterday or today
If my husband doesn’t like my cooking, he can buy his meth somewhere else.
[tree falls in forest]
[doesnt make a sound]
GUY IN CAMOUFLAGE: What the—
TREE: oh shit uhh AAHHHH I have fallen and I can’t get up aaahhh
🎵 These cheese curds are beyond compare
I can watch the hockey there
I wear my toque and back bacon is keen
Eat Tim Horton’s with no cares
Share my french fries with some bears
But I cannot compete with you
Poutine
grocer: [checking eggs] this one’s broken
king: how many horses do you have?
grocer: what
king: [panicking] how many men?
SON: can I yell bomb at the airport
DAD: no
SON: I can yell boom
DAD: boom’s ok
SON: how about “my mom’s a lesbian now”
DAD: please don’t
My boss told me to start every presentation with a joke. The first slide was my paycheck.
I feel like the person who named pink eye also named orange juice.
me: why aren’t you eating your breakfast?
3: it smells hot
I’m just marveling at how the hand towel in my son’s bathroom can be so dirty and yet his doorknob is so wet
Good guy in movie shot 3 times: I must save my family
Me, kinda sore from trampoline sesh: sorry gramma can’t make it to your 85th bday
our love story in four pictures
No one told me my life would become so much googling it
Her: “I want you to have this bracelet that belonged to my grandfather.”
Me: “Why does it say ‘Do Not Resuscitate’ on it?”
Friend: you’re so lucky you don’t have a job
Me, a stay-at-home mom, now with one less friend: so lucky
[inventing alcohol]
What if there were an elixir that made me want to fight a police horse
During a public forum, an audience member angrily called me a “stupid ***hole” and immediately others defended me yelling in response, “He’s not stupid!”
Thoughts and Prayers aren’t working, it’s time to start pitching folks into a volcano
I had a shirt with a tag that said “tumble dry only.” I did like twenty cartwheels and it was still wet.
KING: Behind one door waits a viscous tiger; behind the other, a fair lady. Now the prisoner must choose!
ME: Hey, if I open them both, will the tiger just eat the lady?
KING: That’s not… you don’t… c’mon, man.
I hung out with a guy the other night and he said “all my friends know you as the girl I tease constantly” and I responded “oh shit that’s crazy my friends don’t know about you at all”
saw five goats walking on their hind legs through the woods, is that bad
Women on Twitter who boast about the crumbs they catch in their bras have no idea how much food I can carry around in my turban.
Can’t feed an old dog new Trix.
Trix are for kids.