Remember that tiny bit of constructive feedback that you went out of your way to specifically tell me not to take personally? You’re not gonna believe this
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when you wanna say “sup” in Japanese you say “Konnichiwa”
when you wanna say “sup dawg” in Japanese you say “Konnichihuahua”
Sorry I’m late, I’ve been taking an elastic band out of my hair for the last three days.
Seems like the “how to use a fire extinguisher” video on YouTube shouldn’t have a 30 second ad before it.
[mall]
Me: That guy looks SO familiar!
Wife: …
M: Maybe an actor? Musician?
W: …
M: I’ll get an autograph!
W: He’s our mailman, moron.
if we’re gonna be politically correct, the male counterpart to a mermaid is a merbutler
*bakes 12 cookies*
*waits for family to come home*
*eats 12*
*family arrives*
5 year old: “I SMELL COOKIES!”
“Weird! Here’s a salad.”
FRIEND: Make her the center of attention
ME: Okay
[later at restaurant]
ME: *throws food at next table*
ME: *pointing at date* SHE DID IT
My husband thinks The Bachelor show is fake, they’re all there to be actors, and that it’s total bullshit.
Then he turned to wrestling.
Legend has it there are 13 ways to have sex. So far, all I’ve found is 1 and it wasn’t even that great since all we used was my imagination.
Letting my cat know in a positive way that he’s looking very round today.
Told my kids we can’t have nice things because of them and 11 candidly says, “You’re the ones who decided to have kids,” so now I guess we don’t have nice things or comebacks anymore.
Friend: What do you get when you cross a dog with a rose? A Collie flower!
Me: Choose how you want to die.
The bad part of being a human raised by wolves is at the family reunions, when everyone else is talking about the biggest animal they took down and then you tell them about your twitter account.
I wonder if I’ve seen enough movies to be able to emergency land an airplane
Mugger: Give me everything you got
Me: Hope you like a low credit score and insomnia
We didn’t lose power, so my fantasy about seducing linemen as a thank you will have to wait for the next storm
Her: It’s so sweet of you to cook for me. What are you making?
Me: It’s a special family seafood dish named after my grandmother. It’s called ClamLydia.
Her: I forgot. I already ate.
his palms are sweaty, knees weak, palms are sweaty. he forgot his lyrics already, palms are sweaty
I once got a ride home from the pizza guy by ordering 1 pizza to be delivered to the bar and 1 to my house. Pretty sure i deserve an award.
Me: Here’s half my income.
Daycare: Cool. Here’s a new virus every other week.
Why did the chicken go to the gym?
To work on his pecks.
normal person: 9+7=16
me: if 10+7 is 17 and 9 is one less than 10 then 9+7 must be 16
Ran into an old friend who said that they thought I was dead. It was nice catching up.
Love is that feeling you get when you meet that special someone who hates all of your friends.
They were so preoccupied with whether they could, they didn’t stop to think if they should.
Do not let children style your hair. They are bad at it and everyone will roast you for looking ridiculous.
On June 28, 2009 Stephen Hawking threw a party for time-travelers. He announced the party the day after it happened and he said no one came.
I’m sick of closing out every job interview with “I was young. I needed the money.”
My Grandma’s church was odd
in that they worshipped paintings.Very weird.
Every week they would stand up
and sing “How Great Thou Art”
Capricorn is just regular corn wearing cute little short pants.