My doctor won’t go away. I know what you’re thinking but he has been eating small pieces of apple over many decades to build up an immunity.
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My wife left me because of my gambling addiction.
But I know I can win her back.
Me: I’m going to have a shower
3: I’ll give you two minutes
i finally learned that stocks are the birds that deliver ur baby so follow me for more finance tips
Guy on the plane threw a fit about sitting next to my Therapy Scorpion
People who get stoned in glass houses should probably wear pants
…or whatever that saying is
*Ghost snatches phone from me*
“Who you gonna call now?”
I pulled my Power Washer out not because anything really needed cleaning but because you may as well have some fun while your quarantined. Related, my neighbor is soaked.
Thinking about that time my mom was taking a photo of me & said I looked way too stiff & too posed & her solution was to hand me a gourd.
All day long the girls have talked about wanting grilled cheese and tater wedges for dinner.
I made grilled cheese and tater wedges for dinner.
Them: We meant hot dogs and Doritos…
I’m ready to be adopted now.
If you’ve ever wondered what it’s like to try to dress a jelly fish, here, try to get pants on my toddler
Fall is here! I can finally start burning my pumpkin cinnamon cupcake cranberry apple pie walk in the snow vanilla snickerdoodle flannel scented candle without feeling like a psychopath
RIGHT?
Sometimes I see people posting astrology memes and go: “Is that what you think you’re like???”
“Please be aware that we are experiencing higher than average call volume”
*connects*
Agent: Hello
Me (whispering): hello
murderer: *stabbing me*
me: 🙂
murderer: doesn’t it hurt?
me: i’m used to it i have a cat :’)
My houseplants watching me put water in the espresso machine
Firecrackers let you know how close drunk people are to your house.
[wife comes out wearing pretty dress]
me: that’s my favorite dress
wife: aww, how swee-
m: take it off
w: but we need to-
m: I wanna wear it
I want to buy a Prius because I plan on driving off of a cliff & I don’t want to make too big of an explosion & kill squirrels or turtles
Last night my 4yo said a prayer for all the people in the world including “Africa, Asia and Syrup.” From now on, I will be referring to Europe only as Syrup.
[Sahara desert]
Me: *shares canteen*
Companion: *holds it to his mouth but nothing comes out*
Me: it’s ketchup, you have to wait a bit.
No, they’re not called hedge funds because hedgehogs control the global economy. What a silly idea. 🙂
*later to thugs* They know too much.
*Me ordering food, wearing a new white shirt*
I’ll have whatever is the most splattery and red
Once again I feel like I slept in a washing machine.
I’m just going to say it: I don’t think Arkham Asylum has good security.
My mother-in-law came over and made me dinner, and now I’m wondering if I should have married her instead.
Are people who say “hard pass” aware of fiber supplements?
If you ever need to wake my wife from a coma, just set your drink on the coffee table without a coaster.
I wipe my counters with raw chicken breasts because I refuse to have weak children.
gargoyle: I’m not feeling well, omg *blarfgh!!!
Babe, calm down. I don’t think you heard me. They’re MAGIC beans.