[paying at chipotle]
ME: i got a burrito
CLERK: that’ll be ten dollars
ME: with guac
CLERK: that’ll be ten thousand dollars
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I’m putting on weight for a movie
*eats popcorn in cinema
Nothing is better than working out to 80s music. Except listening to 80s music without working out.
I asked two Uber drivers to pick each other up and am watching them chase each other in circles around my block until they run out of gas.
My kids are out of town so I’m going to get wild and drink my coffee while it’s still hot.
Never call it a guest room.
That’s just asking for trouble.
ME: *does something stupid*
I hope no one saw me do thatALSO ME: *texting all my friends* Listen to what I just did
My ex asked me what would make her new shoes look more sexy. “Give them to your sister,” was apparently a relationship breaking answer
Kylo Ren was more powerful with his helmet on. With it off, he had to use a majority of his power to maintain his hair’s body and bounce.
When I ask if I can pet somebody’s dog and they say no, I obviously respect their wishes but I always feel awkward after. Like what do I with my hands now that there’s no dog. Oh no we’re walking in the same direction too
Order food
Hear driver
Get into position
Doorbell
Pause for three seconds
Open and act surprised!
*buys Sushi for Dummies*
*preheats oven*
*reads first page of Sushi for Dummies*
*turns off oven*
A toddler will look you dead in the eye and ask you if it’s Christmas soon when Christmas was yesterday
So this one time I was really upset and crying and this kid was like, “are you upset about your nose?” and I’ve never been so thoroughly owned by a child
Go ahead and share your political views at this office party. We’re all friends here.
– alcohol
judge: please, rephrase the question
yoda lawyer:
I just found out my twin brother and I were switched at birth.
SOMEONE IS AT THEIR HOUSE!!!
– dogs
There’s a bird in the yard and she’s shaking her tail feathers in hope of attracting a mate. HE SHOULD LOVE YOU FOR YOUR BRAIN, I yell.
Me *remembering my therapist said to be confident enough to answer questions* I’m under the table
Murderer: ok thanks
I’m done with dating sites and am now only focusing on Chinese food delivery people. They have a job, a car, and most importantly Chinese food.
If you like airborne fecal matter you’ll love being alive on earth
Wile Coyote was the original online shopper and helped advance modern logistics and distribution.
Remove dead skin by hurling yourself into an active volcano.
Making toast in the bathtub just hits differently
A new study found the safest city to travel to is Tokyo, Japan. Unless, of course, you’re a dolphin.
[sees old friend after 4 years]
“God, you were so fat back in school.”
“Yeah, well I lost a lot of it last year.”
“No you didn’t.”
It should be: “COVID-19 declared a pandemic by WHOM.”
A dating app for people who suck at flirting called Fumble
my moms yelling at me bc idk her email password
Me: A psychiatrist? That’s silly. There’s no such thing as “too obsessed with bagels.”
Her: Says who?
Me: Sesame