Professor X: what’s your superpower?
Me: forgetting everyone‘s name immediately after we met
Professor whatshisname: get out
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Jo, lean
Jo, lean
Jo, lean
Jo, LEAN!*our canoe tips over*
Left my phone in my 1yo’s room during his bedtime and snuck back in to get it. Then, left my phone in my 3yo’s room during her bedtime and snuck back in to get it. I am both winning parenting and losing my mind
Last night my kids suggested I kill and eat someone to gain his strengths. I think I should start locking the door when I sleep.
[neighborhood meeting]
Me: This is an outrage!
Neighbor: Exactly! The city’s plan to–
Me: Nothing but powdered creamer for the coffee? I’m out of here.
8: “You know how Makayla and Abby are our cousins?”
Me: “Yeah”
8: “Did you know that WE’RE also THEIR cousins?!”
I have a very defined ab.
That’s not a typo, I only have a single ab
My resume is just an old VHS tape of the “Life Goes On” episode where Corky lip syncs “Fight the Power” for his school’s talent show.
“What do we want?”
“A compilation album!”
“What shall we call it?”
“Now!”
[2 cavemen]
Look what me discover! This game changer!
*grabs it* “This hot! Burn fingers. What you call it?”
*takes back mixtape* FIRE!
I just had the thought “pfft. Your father can’t die before you are born,” and I believed it for a full minute. Because I’m smert.
When someone asks why you don’t have kids just say “dingoes”
Me:*Chewing* These pot brownies are disgusting.
Him: That’s a dish sponge.
Me: Oh no! That means –
*Sees all the tea cups eating my Doritos*
I used to feel sorry for people eating lunch by themselves but now I feel sorry for the people eating lunch with other people.
My mother was, let’s just say, not perfect. She’d routinely leave my little sister and I in the van for hours while she gambled. And even though we were patched-in to the casino security cameras and feeding her info through an earpiece, she still managed to blow hand after hand.
The sincerest form of flattery is having a robot from the future sent back in time to kill you. Imitation is a distant second.
Im starting to think podcasts may have been a mistake.
Meltdowns are what happens when you compartmentalize your thoughts, but forget to label them.
My gym shut down but a pizza place opened in its spot so my visits have remained pretty consistent
Her: there’s something different about you
Me, slowly transitioning into a werewolf: HOWOOOOOOOOO do you mean?
You’d think the heat and humidity would steam some of the wrinkles out of my body
I’m praying to 1500 Hindu Gods to help me finish decorating this Christmas tree
Lmao @ the people who named their kids Daenerys or Khaleesi. What a bunch of absolute fools. If only they were as wise as me, father to a beautiful baby girl named Detective Pikachu
Me buying fruit and veg
scary then: a phone call came from inside the house
scary now: a phone call
The Roman Empire: was not built in one day
The Ramen Empire: ready in 3 minutes
I don’t understand why people get embarrassed buying condoms. It’s much more awkward trying to return them. “She didn’t like me.”
Goose parade in The Netherlands.. 😊
can’t imagine the number of vampires that have been run over since back up cameras on cars were invented.
Just wait. All of the Presidents will be on sale tomorrow
If Kellyanne Conway is right and microwaves spy on us, the CIA has a hell of a lot of data on me reheating coffee then forgetting about it.