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I always wanted to be just like Flo Rida. That’s why I changed my name to “New Ham Sure”
When we first dated I thought your freckles were dots of inexcusable cuteness. Now I can see how joined up they draw a pentagram.
Science Lesson: A baking dish that’s been in a 400 degree oven, is also 400 degrees and you shouldn’t touch it.
no babe a living wage scares me they’re too big
God: I’m calling this a horse
Angel: Wow you’re so clever, creating an animal that can pull carriages, transport goods, and can help plow the fields!
God *just wanted a chair that can run* thanks
My husband said he needed his shirt ironed, so like a good wife, I brought him the iron and he asked for the ironing board too. We have an ironing board?
People think they can be snarky to me at work like they don’t realize I have perfume I can wear and fish I can microwave.
I took my toddler on a 2 mile hike so confident it would tire him out, we finally made it back to our car and he asked if we could go one more time.
I may not be perfect, but at least my cat loves m—oh he’s just hungry nvm
I went to a friend’s house and she happened to have a scale so I weighed myself and guess what I don’t like that friend anymore
[First day as a personal chef]
How do you take your poptart?
My 7yo informed me that the fake tombstones we put up are both for the same guy and now he wants to know who Rip is.
*walks through door to find entire family standing on various pieces of furniture
Me: Floor Is Lava??
12: No, spider fell from ceiling and we lost it
Me: OH SHIT! *jumps on counter
Before pulled pork, pork just used to stand on the edge of the dance-floor, nodding to the music and looking cool.
The Accountant.
h/t: @KrangTNelson @Boogieknight
Game of Thrones: Now with 100 percent more zombies! The Walking Dead should fire back by adding kingdoms.
Every Adele song is about lasagna.
“Do you, Phil, take Amanda as your lawfully wedded wife? Will you honor and obey her? Will you take her in sickness and in health? Would you like to update Adobe Acrobat now, or later?”
I was brought up in the wild by hyenas.
Times were hard, food was scarce but we had some great laughs.
My dog just kicked open my bedroom door like I owe her rent.
I just clipped my little toe on patio furniture. Prayers needed for my husband who rearranged everything without telling me.
Move the bed into the kitchen, bro
Save money on laser removal of ‘love hate’ knuckle tattoos, by changing the last letter to an ‘s’ and developing an interest in millinery.
[Restaurant]
Waiter: “Dogs aren’t allowed in restaurants.”
Me: “He’s my service dog.”
My dog: “I’m here to fix your refrigerator.”
Are you thinking of putting a dozen Cheerios in a ring box on the kitchen counter with a sign that says “Honey, I Shrunk The Donuts”, just to keep your marriage exciting, or are you normal?
Nothing like suddenly seeing a spider on the ceiling to make you realize you don’t need a nap anyway.
*cashier stares at obviously fake ID*
you sure you’re 3?
*dog panics and runs out of the store barking*
If revenge is a dish best served cold AND revenge is sweet then revenge is basically ice cream.
Bring it.
If you need someone to keep a secret then I’m your girl. I’ll forget it 5 minutes after you tell me.
WELL WELL WELL, if it isn’t the lady who’s baby I stole.